Mockoblog Mockolog # 6
Finally I can congratulate Google for realizing their silly mistake. Now you can find this world’s 1st mockoblog using their search engine. In exchange, I am advertising for their site right here. Please leave my blog right now and go to:
www.google.com
Are you still here? If you are, I must say that when you search for the “mockoblog” on Google, they try to direct you to “monoblog” (the same error is being still made by Search.com) while AltaVista.com goes straight to the target. Lycos.com doesn’t do such a good job, sends you to twitter.com first but Ask.com finds us straight away.
Why don’t they all unify their services and search methods? Perhaps if there were only one search engine we could also be charged for using it. Say, I want to find the nearest doctor or bank or I want to learn about making potatoes and leek soup: why should I get this information for free? And the charge could be proportional with the object of your search. If I only want to look for a small fish called Wanda maybe I could get away with only two cents, but if I look for something really big, like Siberia or Bill Gates, than I should expect to be charged zillions. And if I don’t pay, then I go to jail. Of course, Wikipedia.org should be quite expensive and they should police the usage of their info. Having free access to data should be a crime against the future and against the computer race. Is it fair for you to find football results for free on the Internet when a club like Real Madrid has to pay hundreds of millions of dollars for a player like Caca? Are you not ashamed of using Google Earth for free when NASA spends billions to send satellites into orbit?
To make you better understand where I’m coming from, here’s how history works (a bit different to what Stephen Hawking, the Bible and Tom Criuse think – with all due respect, the first one couldn’t prove it anyway and the other two haven’t even tried):
1. There was a lot of stuff floating around and doing nothing. There was no time at all.
2. This stuff called itself God and found that being God is cool. Actually, giving stuff names is cool and the Word was the first thing that ever made sense. For more details, read guys like Umberto Eco (not the novels) and Noam Chomsky (if you promise to stay away from his political views).
3. Then lumps of stuff turned into rocks, boulders, planets, leaving a great deal of empty space in between.
4. Where there is stuff, things are warmer. Where there’s no stuff at all, it’s bloody freezing. The bigger the things, the hotter they are. This is why a snowball is rather cold and you should wear gloves when playing with it, unless you just want to throw it straight away, while the Sun is pretty warm.
5. To move from one thing to another would be boring and even pointless if you could do it straight away, so God extends all pieces of stuff away from each other, thus making room for time, which is what it takes to get from A to B, save the ticket one should have anyway. (Note that there is a tendency for stuff to look red and blurry in the distance – that’s because our eyes and even our radio telescopes are not perfect. The fact that the Universe is expanding and radiates a lot of red stuff was also replicated by car manufacturers, who chose to make the tail lights red, so we know when the car is going away from us, which is crucial for deciding which way the danger of being run over is smaller when we exit the pub at night.)
6. To make things even more complicated, God allows for more dimensions to co-exist, but does not reveal them to us, unless we are mathematicians, poets or fools (which is a bit of both).
6.1. Sadly, one of the few possible combinations of space and time dimensions is 21. Any bloke who has tried his hand at Balck Jack knows that it is infinitely more likely to find a number under or bigger than 21. Only the Bank (the equivalent of God in modern society) gets 21 on regular basis, which is leading the small Western World to a large Global Crisis.
7. In some corners of this whole stuff God spends more time than in others. This explains why places like the Earth are more complex than places like the back of my hand, but does not explain why between 1 and 2 I can invent an infinite of numbers (try 1.0000001 and 1.0000001000001) and why I will never need all of them.
8. Being God, which is like being the whole Universe or being the Nature itself, whatever you want to call it, means that you are endless and timeless, within everything and above everything, including yourself. This is bloody boring, unless you have the most God-like feature one can have: a sense of humour.
9. God make jokes and surely he laughs. Think about Sahara: why would people like to live over there? (And I also heard that some parts of Maine are rather boring, too, but I can’t prove it scientifically). Or think about a morning when you wake up in no mood for going to work but you still have to go. Yet this is jumping the gun a little bit because God has not created the human kind yet.
8.5 Good created the Aliens far far away in space and time while on Earth there were only a few bacteria and this kind of yucky stuff.
8.55 When one bacterium grew bigger, it turned green (no fashion designer and no art critics could prevent this choice of colour) and then grew even bigger, with leaves and roots. It couldn’t go anywhere, though, so God made a monkey or some sort of even more primitive animal to introduce some action.
8.56 Animals ate plants in large number and plants in smaller number ate animals, animals chased each other and also ate a few of their own until the Aliens became mature enough to travel to our planet and found it funny, but not developed enough. They left. This was about when the dinosaurs got extinct due to the smoke of the old spacecraft.
8.9 Aliens came back. This time they were even more developed and their crew was made of an African, an Asian and a Caucasian, all guys, all scientists, all wearing heavy gear, including helmets but otherwise quite young and sporty. They conducted an experiment on three continents and I won’t go into details but after their departure the monkeys on Earth were much smarter and some started building foot-passes like runways and pyramids like beacons. Women especially are still waiting for the Aliens to return, they call them Gods (“My God!” comes precisely from this very point in history and can be found more or less in any language). It’s not known if women or men started art, but it’s likely none of them did, it just happened by mistake and it remained like this ever since.
8.91 Three major races developed and they didn’t quite get on with each other. In some areas, notably the Middle East, mixed populations fought war against each other for various reasons that can be mainly linked to race, which is a tribal thing, but canbe mainly explained by the absence of the British Empire, inventor of all sports and looser of most.
8.92 The Aliens/Gods returned for a second time but they didn’t land. Instead, from the outer orbit, they sent some clones (giants) to punish the population down there but this folk made friends with the Earthlings, so the Aliens got really grumpy and opened the flood gates of the planet to extinguish most life. They kept just a few genetically superior individuals, if it is to believe most legends. In fact, they actually re-created the humans but introduced a bug in their system, thus humans age and die. The only feature they did not include in humans was the sense of humour. Because Aliens are not Gods at all.
9.1 Now we can talk about homo sapiens although the adjective is not always deserved. Society was developed in three stages: material (stone age), energetic (industrial revolution) and informational (now). The fourth stage is unknown to us because it is beyond our comprehension and involves the transformation of our species into something that we could call perhaps “robots”. It doesn’t sound like much fun.
10. The Aliens are due back with a vengeance. Ask Nostradamus if you don’t believe me, the Aztecs (or the Maya guys?) and your local priest. Yet population should not panic: it’s not the year 2012. It would have been to obvious. You have to read it backwards: 2102! So we are not doomed. Actually our grandchildren, the robots, are!
This is why we should consider banning the free exchange of information and restrict people’s access to each other, so when the Aliens arrive, we can all be dumb, living in dark isolation, completely non-interesting, a failed experiment. Only this can warrant us non-interference from the visitors. And, as Nature in general and politics in particular have always proven, our species could only evolve through the survival of the dumbest.
I’m happy to volunteer and be the first to pay Google a few bucks for letting me search on their system and finding my own website.
Tags: aliens, creation, god, Google, history, search, Stephen Hawking, Tom Cruise, twitter