Mockoblog Mockolog #7
I bet YOU (most of our readers) are new and in a hurry anyway.
YOU are not the type of reader that sets upon an archeologycal experience, you won’t dig for old mockoposts that may explain the new ones.
So be it!
Archive for the ‘Conspiracy’ Category
History in the Mocking IV
Friday, August 7th, 2009How to Make More Money Than One Could Spend
Sunday, August 2nd, 2009My understanding of finance is profound to say the least.
I have two personal loans (the maturity terms of which I can’t remember), five bank accounts (none for savings), a few hire purchases (with irrelevant interest rates) yet only four plastic cards and just three internet banking usernames (all of them with my dog’s name as password to keep things simple).
Add to this that all my life I’ve been paid above average and now, close to retirement, my only asset is a 14 foot boat Vaila I hardly ever use.
Yet my understanding of finance is profound to say the least. Or maybe I should call this business? The two terms confuse me a bit. What about you? Need a clear picture?*
I have this magnificent theory which may or not be original, but it is a very sound theory indeed (if you ask me):
- Thinks tend to evolve unless they get destroyed.
- The more people are interested in things to evolve, the more things will.
- The previous affirmation is only valid if the people involved are rich.
- When things evolve too much quantity-wise, they change one gear up and start evolving in quality.
- The concepts of “quality” and “quantity” should not be understood outside their context.
- The respective context is too narrow to fit this theory but our understanding of it diminishes exponentially the more we get entangled in it and this could help.
- When we rich the top limit of our comprehension, things become brittle and that’s when they may just be destroyed.
- Brocken things usually lead to other things.
- The previous statement should not be analyzed for how true or false it is, but for how long it takes to ignore it until your mistake becomes obvious.
- Every time when something is destroyed in the process of evolution and you don’t know what will replace it, I tell you: money.
This theory is rather general. In particular, things work pretty smoothly: take something and try to turn it into something a bit better, brake it and you may have to pay to buy another one, even older or not so good, a bit used and dented or just pure rubbish. Somebody’s making the buck and it’s not you, mate!
If you want to be on the money-gathering side of the society, you need to be on the Dark Side of the Earth (not the book, not the movie!). There’s always been a bunch of guys who prevented history from running fluently. Do you want to be one of them? Of course they won’t accept you in their inner ranks. What do you do then? You outsmart them and you keep always one step ahead of them. This way they’ll think you are one of them from the future and they’ll accept you without further ado.
If they want to invent the vinyl record, you boldly move and invent the CD!
If they want to fly to the Moon, you just go there and leave the Union Jack behind or whatever flag might be handy.
If they want to invent the recession, you just go a few years ahead and start selling residential real estate.
OK, OK, hold on! What do we have to do now in order to make a quick buck?
I’m sorry, there’s nothing like a quick buck unless you already have a few $$$ lying around doing nothing. But there’s a perfectly good solution if you want to break stuff and replace it with something that will make you rich!
Think of how society and economy went through the material stage: if my flint tool is not as cool as yours, I’ll wait for the right moment to crack your skull and grab the technological advance from you, as you had created it by mistake anyway and I was smarter and therefore deserved it.
In the energetic stage: I don’t really care you’re working on the peaceful use of that stuff, I need it to make a bigger bomb first and we’ll see how we go! Please send any comments in writing to the UN, thank you very much!
In the informational stage (the end of which we’re seeing about now in parts of the our planet where you can read this mockopost, therefore having gained enough to make sure that in other parts they are still dealing with the previous two stages) things are a bit more subtle and the bucks accumulate much quicker: you think you’re smart for charging me for using your sound track? You know what? I charge you back for using my network for asking me to pay you for using your stuff, which, by the way, I’m also sharing with my subscribers.
Now, if you picture this exponential evolution towards destruction, the nest step should be easy. Some can already see signs of its coming**. You just need to jump on board!
What will happen next?
There’s nothing like a free lunch.
After about fifteen years of using the Internet on a large and narrow, public and secret scale, the grip of the big blue chip guys on information is tightening. The same webpage looks different if you are in your country or if you are browsing while visiting mine. I cannot see some things that are public in the USA and Canada. In China my website may look better when the PC is unplugged. If I browse the Pentagon library online, I’m a hacker. If CIA browses my fishing photos, it’s war against terror. Free stuff is less and less available but if you really need it free, you can sign up for some services that will gather your private data as a bonus. Phone companies don’t talk to you anymore and don’t even give you so many options to press numbers and the # key in the end. They give you less choice outside their recognized pattern. You may have to utter a world and the voice recognition system may place you in the right line. You may have to have an eye scan to enter your own office. Your dog carries a microchip. Your mobile phone gives your position away to the network operator, brand manufacturer, police, social services, Google and God knows to how many other close friends of yours that are yet to be introduced to you. If you use your loyalty card at the mall, they’ll know you bought beer and socks, which may lead to the conclusion that you are a bushman for the first time in town, getting dressed for a party. It is cool to buy this combination again. It will prove yourself a good citizen of the modern society and they’ll send you the right offers in your mail, email, text message, chat window, web browser, you name it! But if you later go to the shop and change the sock colour choice, you may be in the draw to win a Mediterranean Cruise by subscribing to a gay magazine they have just sent to you when they browesed YOU and found you reading this!
Great stuff! Sugar Big Brother!
Yet this is just what’s now! Today millions can still cook like Jamie Oliver and still feel originally happy. Today you can still see a glimpse of Posh Beckham’s breasts (if any) on the first page of ten hundred thousand paparazzi magazines in 40 languages. Today when you go to work you still get paid and in your sleep you still believe you’re free to do whatever you want, although in the morning you may not be bothered starting it all. Thank the corporate guys who look after you for this degree of freedom. Thank them for letting you express your unique identity by accepting your money in exchange for one of the only few millions of Manchester United T-shirts they print just for you. Thank them for inventing the bug for which the antidote will be soon available from their factories. They are fighting to still make their buck and in the process you get some choice, maybe not the real choice, but at least the smell of it, the sound or even the touch of what the choice could have been.
Picture a not so distant future when corporate decisions as to how to improve your bodily life and reduce your intellectual one are not any more made by humans. Imagine that the robot does not only control the amount of fat your margarine must have but also how many people like or unlike you must live and breed in your Google Maps quadrant. Imagine you having to pay to see your mother’s photo kindly saved in an Internet Cloud as local storage would become so expensive and unreliable. Imagine going to bed *** with your friend and having the light in your room changing from red to green and the music (you cannot control) from army brass band to Debussy depending on one of you being closer or not to the best ovulation moment.
Wanna make money? Heaps of money? Wanna become so rich you’d never be able to spend your fortune? There’s still room: join the machine army! Money will become irrelevant then ‘cause first you’ve had the last generation of rich guys killed in the process.
Bloody hell! The next step is to farm human brains for hard labour and give those lovely robots some time to recharge.
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* The only think finance and business have in common is that both work mainly with humans (and in some special cases maybe with aliens that are alienated enough to understand these concepts) and are completely inexistent for the representatives of flora and fauna of this and other planets.
**Evolutionary stages have always coexisted: bronze, fire, knowledge.
*** Isaac Asimov long ago postulated that this simple act may become futile.
Robots and Humans Can Chat
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009I’m sorry for the kind of boring info bellow, but I think many of the humans still alive and kicking on this planet have been through experiences like that. I make no apology for the true info in the text bellow. If the other party concerned (which happens to be the host of the mockoblog) has any serious issues, you may see this site down. I am disclosing here more of my personal info than their corporate info anyway. Let’s just say I have recorded this conversation for training purposes. I have only made spelling corrections, the rest is as it was LIVE minutes ago:
All our operators are currently assisting others customers. You are currently in position 2 Thank you for your patience. An operator will be with you shortly.
You are now chatting with ‘Victor’
Victor: Welcome to Live Chat support, how may I help you?
Victor: Hello Alex
Victor: How may I help you today?
alex: I am a very upset guy, in New Zealand. Your services are so bad!
alex: it’s 2.40 am here
alex: i have a domain with you and my site is hosted with you
alex: are you a robot?
alex: Victor, are you a robot?
Victor: No, I am real human being
alex: That’s nice to hear.
Victor: We are sorry for the inconvenience caused to you
Victor: Please let me know your queries
alex: Look: you guys lost my site last week ago, it went down for 24 hours and being a blog-type I lost a lot. I complained and I thought we came OK in the end.
alex: I’m not so concerned about losing 12 days of my intellectual property and of my users’…
alex: .. I know it cannot be fixed…
alex: I Received many messages from your service support and from your billing department, may of them polite lies…
Victor: Ok
Victor: Are you not able to access your website ?
alex: but now this exceeds all: I wanted to add a new domain, which should be free, the name is SWAPID.COM, and as soon as I clicked on it and it was available, I got NOT one but TWO bills for it!!! It was supposed to be free!
alex: are you a robot, mate?
alex: of course now i can access my website, i just lost 12 days of it
alex: THIS IS NOT EVEN ABOUT THAT LOSS, it’s about how you guys carry on robbing me
Victor: No, I am a real human being
alex: I’ll be silent now for a few moments, maybe you reply.
Victor: I am going through your question, please give me a moment.
alex: Hi human being, sorry Victor, you are offering good customer service, it’s just the brand you work for that does not.
Victor: Thank you for your patience…
Victor: As per my understanding you have been charged twice for the domain name registration, right ?
alex: Kind of yes: I should not be charged at all for registering the second domain, as it is advertised by you guys. Thice is two times too much I’m afraid. I just want to secure and park that second domain until I am rady to use it.
alex: Can you please reverse the charge(s) on my VISA?
Victor: Alex, regarding your issue I will request you to please send an email to our billing department at billing@justhost.com
Victor: Our admins will provide you the details in this regards
alex: GOD! You are impersonating the email reply! I have already done this!
Victor: Please provide me the ticket ID
alex: Look Victor, I appreciate your patience and good will. EVERY single step I had with Just Host since I got the first domain with you WAS WRONG. I have received tonnes of excuses and some free services I don’t necessarily need. All I want is to be square on what I get and how much I pay for it. It is pure robbery on your side, mate. YOU can forward my requests to any department you may wish to. I need my money back and my services JUST NORMAL. Not to mention the amount of data your server lost from may main site. Does it sound reasonable to you?
alex: I am looking for the ticket ID, there are a few because I had a few issues with your company. Please wait.
Victor: Yes, sure
Victor: Are you there ?
alex: A good old re: ticket would be 304117, but there are new ones: 323183; 323187; 323193 and 323199. There may be more.
alex: Not only that I am here, but I’m wasting my fifth night in two months since I got stupid enough to become a customer of Just Host’s. The very first night i wanted to secure a domani with you I spend two hours on the phone New Zealand to Europe (charged to my phone account) to sort basic stuff out.
Victor: Please allow me some time to check
alex: Victor, do you realise how upset I am? I know it’s not your personal problem but if it is, it would give me a great deal of satisfaction to know that you have claimed some stress benefit from JustHost. I am allowing you time, sorry mate.
Victor: Thank you for your patience…
Victor: I will create the ticket on your behalf
Victor: Please provide me the domain name for which you have been charged twice
Victor: Is it SWAPID.COM ?
alex: A new ticket? That’s great! Could you please mention o this magic ticket that: 1. I shall take Just Host to court unless all tickets are solved ASAP (ASAP=24 hours); 2. I expect NO charge for a new domain added to my account, AS ADVERTISED; 3. Written explanations from a manager who has a phone number I can call.
alex: Yes, that’s the one.
alex: I only went for SWAPID.COM because I had the chance to get another one free.
Victor: You can host unlimited domains under your single hosting account for free
Victor: But if you want to register the new domain name then you will be charged $14.95/year
Victor: We are sorry for the inconvenience caused to you for the delay in the response for the tickets that you have plaved
Victor: placed*
alex: Finally, we agree on some small topic, Victor. The point is my VISA was debited before even the confirmation of this domain appeared on my other screen. It was supposde to be free.
Victor: I have checked your account
Victor: And found 1 outstanding invoice
alex: OK. You make sense. What do we do now? I AM sure you are not a robot and I am sincerely sorry to have taken you through so much trouble.
Victor: Have you charged twice for that
Victor: ?
alex: Shall we take it step by step? If yes, the outstanding invoice souled have been cleared by now, it was issued for a service that was actually small compensation for the loss Just Host caused me.
Victor: You have been charged for swapid.com as $14.95
Victor: Each additional transfer/registration costs $14.95/year for each extra domain name.
alex: I don’t think I should be charged for swapid now, it is not hosted, I just need to secure that domain, then, when the site is up,. it will be hosted by you. But the way your web buying system is designed kives no chance to customers.
alex: No, no, no! Back to square one. Victor, I am entitled to one extra domain for free, I get this advertised when I log in for my main one.
alex: Do you think FREE equals $14.95? If yes, I’m glad to pay it.
Victor: Alex, you can register the domain name and you can host it free
Victor: Are you getting me ?
alex: Please don’t be a robot again. it’s 3:20 AM here.
Victor: You will be charged $14.95 /year for domain registration
Victor: You can host it free under your single hosting control panel
Victor: As you have outstanding invoice because of that reason your domain name is not yet registered
Victor: Please clear the outstanding invoices then you will be provided with the new domain details
alex: OK, my fault. So I do have to pay for ther registration. I do have SWAPID.COM now, but hosting is free! That’s cool. I see. I just don’t understand how can you guys advertise for free stuff for life if you charge straight away?
Victor: You can host it for free
Victor: You can add that domain as addon domain from your control panel
Victor: An add-on domain is just like having a separate web site.
Victor: First clear the outstanding invoice
alex: Part two now: the outstanding invoices, wait a minute, I’ll show you how we got to this and how JustHost actually cleared the invoice, unless we are talking different languages. What is THE ITEM on the outstanding invoice?
Victor: You can check the billing details from your billing area
Victor: Please access the following link for your billing area
alex: Would that be the invoice you are mentioning? I had an email about it the other day. It is relating to a lot of damage your company caued me. Please read and if it is not the one, I’ll access the link:
alex: HI Alex Thank you for bringing this to our attention. The invoice was sent in error and the charge has not been applied to your account. The daily back up has been added free to your account along with three months free hosting. I am very sorry for the inconvenience. Kind regards Chloe — Chloe Ingram Billing representative www.justhost.com
alex: Do I have ANOTHER INVOICE?
Victor: It is showing me that you have purchased the swapid.com as additional domain name
Victor: Invoice Number: 85393-14229959
alex: Ok, and it also shows on my online banking that the 14.95 dollars US (about 24 of my NZ dollars) have been debited from my VISA. It may be outstanding at your end. We are 12 hours apart. I don’t know.
alex: I have received that invoice as a .pdf, thanks. You are doing a great job. I have no clue as to why it doesn’t show as paid at your end. The money has been taken out of my card.
Victor: Alex, regarding your issue I will request you to please send an email to our billing department and provide them the account statements
Victor: Our admins will provide you the details in this regards
Victor: Is there anything else I can help you with?
alex: Could you be more specific? I have more issues than positive things going on with my Just Host account. Which issue do you think I should address first? The fact taht my main website was down for 24 hours? The fact that it was restored to a 14 days older stage? The 12 days of lost posts and comments on mockoblog.com? The lost traffic I had? The drop in credibility? The issues regarding billing first for services not yet provided? Your choice. I’ve had enough of this. Yet you’ve been a great communicator. Thanks Victor! There is REALLY nothing else you can help me with. As to your admins, I’m sure they’ll send me a few more emails. I collect them. OVER & OUT
Victor: Please mention your all issues in that email
Victor: I will also update our admins regarding your issue
Victor: You will be updated soon
Victor: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Victor: I have not received a response from you for some time and will need to end this session. If you need further assistance please log back in to Live Chat. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Thank you.
Victor: We are pleased to bring to your attention the following offer.
Victor: Let us take away any worries of accidental deletion or modification of your website or files by backing up your site on a daily basis. If you ever need a previous days backup, just let us know and we will happily restore or upload backups for you – $19.95 per year.
Victor: Have a nice day!! Good Bye.
Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.
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Mockoblog Survival Test
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009Do you think the time of humans as we know them (the hard working guys who mostly die of hunger and the soft flashy rich ones, who die of publicity or overloaded bank accounts) will carry on for much longer?
Do you think petrol is going up and uranium is going down? Do you believe in God as I don’t?
All we now call ‘human society’ could come to an end not by our demise, but by our dismissal. If you are from this planet and if you claim to be human, have you considered the Era of the Machine? We have that machine in place. It is yet spacious, parts of it are being called Google, parts of it are being called Pentagon, parts of it are proud of being called the UN or the Red Cross or the Children’s Found or your sports club. The technology gathered together by all these entities is taking another shape: it is becoming a world wide disease as we speak.
Swine flu? I had it! I am alive. Did I start it? Yes! For the guy next to me who also got it, yes! Do I rip the benefits? Guess who does it on my behalf! A disease with a name needs tests, vaccines and targeted medicine. Do I make them? Do I own the company who makes them? Think about it!
Petrol crisis? Did I make it? It did affect me, it does affect you (and when it doesn’t, fear for worse, as it will come back with a vengeance)!
Recession: uuuups! Did you take any advantage of it? No? I’m so sorry. Anyone you know? No? Sorry again. Somebody is making huge profits. Is it you?
Computers, ipods, cellphones, play consoles, fast foods, space stations, fast Internet, travel tickets, bargains, pre-booked funerals, photo sharing, insurance schemes, pharmaceutical conglomerates, gyms, adopetd kids, DVDs of how to get rich, etc. – do you own any of these? If your answer is ‘yes’ – piss of the mockoblog! If your answer is ‘no’ – welcome to the party of the losers, a.k.a. the human mankind.
If you’re not quite sure, follow these steps:
1. Check your life status: tick 1 for being alive and 0 for being dead;
2. Ask your family how do they feel about it (no family – ask your friends) – score 0 anyway;
3. Are you going to be richer tomorrow? – score 1 if you read this tomorrow;
4. Are you going to be healthier tomorrow? – score 5 as long as you can because this is just a special offer;
5. Add up the previous results (no adding skills? – score 10 points for being able to control a calculator);
6. If your score exceeds mine, I grant you another 2 points;
7. If you don’t know my score, I take 100 points off your total;
8. If you’re still insisting on finding you total or have any other questions, please press ctr+alt+del;
9. Not happy yet? Here’s a 1 point bonus for your loyalty!!!;
10. Ignore the first 9 steps, we all know you’re part of the machine that allows you to take part in our survey. You have been granted another day as a human on this planet, as you know it. It may be your last.
Disclaimer: Due to the rating of mockoblog.com, we are not able to ask the more specific questions that could lead to an exact day of your dismissal from the human species. However, we can assure you taht you have taken the right approach and when the machine will govern alone, your memory will be considered for an upgrade to a happier state. This offer does not extend to siblings, parents or children, unless they have taken the test on their own, which could be highly damaging for your unique future DNA profile, thus we advise to disable their machine account anyway.
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Hey readers!
It’s not such a big deal! You’ll have to die anyway. It doesn’t come like an UFO invasion! This is already here and you are used to it. It’s gonna be smooth stuff, maybe you’ll even get a glimpse of how it’s done. Don’t blame Google or BP or Microsoft or the companies that make drugs and want their manes not to be so easy to remember. Thy are just the big fish that took the big bait first. The engine is running pretty cool for them. When your turn comes, it may be a good idea to think that is just religious stuff, maybe a pandemic or something, or maybe the economy collapsing. Take your pick! The result is the same. And you’re not gonna be part of the ones to see it. Unless you are an alien, of course.
As for me, the only alien I got to know closely is the PC and Internet machine. But what do I know?!