Hello again!
Can we put this in very fine print? Like: terms and conditions? So glad to see you again, especially knowing that YOU in fact don’t exist, ‘cause nobody’s actually reading this blog.
This should be Mockoblog Mockolog # whatever, but I won’t call a number because it’s mainly on one topic.
I disappeared for a few days trying to make sense of my new phone. This is like starting to look after a new born baby. With a wee difference: the mum’s at the pub, you’re not the father, the lights are off and the baby smiles like Sigourney Weaver’s lost alien first born.
It took me one day to get all the accessories I (thought I) needed, one day to download software and most of the next day to find and remove the software I didn’t need or it was not working or it was working when I didn’t want it to or it was simply just costing me money while it was sitting there and doing nothing.
Then I attempted to open the instructions, but I only got as far as page 49 out of 221. You see, it gets very personal around page 50 and I don’t feel yet prepared for it. General stuff, yes, no problems! Well, I mean why not give it a go?!
The first pages are just easy stuff: warnings not to drop the handset in boiling water and reassurance that if you do so and then attempt to pull it out with your bare hands, the manufacturer won’t pay your hospital’s bill + loud sound settings may damage my hearing aid (I had to go and get one to comply with this eventuality, as I’d never thought I really needed one before) + some parts of the phone may actually be internal and/or external antennae, thus I should not be surprised if I get too good reception or/and some devices around may start tweeting while the phone is in use (I had to subscribe to the Twitter website to comply with this one).
Another feature that I found considerably improved from my previous cellphone was the video calling. My ex-phone, four years old and not a smartphone, had videocalling as well. The problem was nobody else among my three relatives and considerably fewer friends did or wanted to use it with me. Now all this has changed and it took a dramatically positive turn when I bought my new phone: I gave the other one away and I can video call it as much as I want. At the other end, one of my close relatives (aren’t they all so close?) has two choices: to answer or not to answer. Let’s say it’s an answer! Then there are two more possibilities: the remote phone is set to receive video calls or it is not set to. In the latter case the call doesn’t proceed as a normal voice call, no, I just get hung up. But let’s say the right setting is on and I can video call! Then we need to find something important to show, not only to say. The video conversation goes like this:
“Hi, is that you?” (of course, I can see him)
“Can you see me?” (see above)
“Errr… so you are OK, aren’t you?”
“Yeah.” (obviously)
“Errr, OK, show me something.” (embarrassed smile)
“OK, let me switch to the other camera to show you around.” (this is when I do something wrong and I loose contact, $2.50 later)
*
In fact this conversation should have been:
“Alpha Tango Charlie, do you copy? Over!”
(static)
“Alpha Tango Charlie, this is Alpha Lima Zulu! Do you read me? Over!”
“Alpha Lima Zulu, this is Alpha Tango Charlie! I can copy you! Loud and clear! Your little friend in Phuket sends smiles all over my phone. (brief switch to a secure channel) She misses you. Over!”
“Can you switch to visuals? Over!”
“Affirmative! Switching to visuals! Over!”
“Roger!”
“I’ve got visuals now! Alpha Lima Zulu, what’s that thing behind you??? Over!”
“It’s the – errr – roger me Alpha Tango Charlie?”
“Positive! What’s it doing? Switch to the main cam! Alpha Lima Zulu! Main cam! Roger?”
“Main cam online! Start rolling! Over!”
“Roger that! Rolling on HD visuals and sensors. What’s that thing? Over!”
“I’ve got company. Must cruise in two! What do Intelligence say? Over?”
(encryption gap)
“Alpha Lima Zulu! Intelligence reckon it’s just a launch pad. A dummy one. Over.”
“You gettin’ the frickin’ time delay link? Is it looped? Can you copy visuals? Rocket launch! Rolling? M.F.G. Burn! Burn!”
“Alpha Lima Zulu! Intelligence reckon this pad’s been used before. Got CONF from SATS. It’s Kim Jong Il’s son nomination. Fireworks and stuff, I guess. Roger that? Young chap Jong Un. Roger that? – Lost visuals. Alpha Lima Zulu! Do you read me? Alpha Tango Charlie calling Alpha Lima Zulu! Do you read me?”
(white noise)
“What the – – – Intelligence, we just lost Numero Uno in the bloody filed! Over! F for F….ing Over!”
” Roger that. Not to worry, New Numero Uno!The French just lost a plane full of people. Intelligence over and out!”
*
This is what I call a video conversation. Even without video. And on Government’s money.
Yet video calling is not the best feature of my phone. Do you think GPS and GPS/satellite navigation is? I’ll tell you next time. Now I have to change some user profiles to better personalize myself.