Archive for the ‘Electronics’ Category

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Google Brings the Apocalypse Near – History in the Mocking VI – The Robots Are Here

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

I’m typing this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

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I am a human being. I was born. I am going to die. Google is not human. It was born, but it will never die. All Google knows about life is how to kill it. To call Google a “Virus” would be a compliment.

I have a story of soft poisoning and harsh stabbing in the back. Ironically for humans but quite normal for robots, this story is everlasting. Many of you, my readers, will come across this story here through Google itself because the robots have no life and can experience no death.

I just hope that what has happened to me is not a global trend. I know we all shall die but I’d rather see our species demise in a funnier way than the Terminator movies predicted.

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This is the story of how Google killed me:

  1. I created a website (this one);
  2. I subscribed to Google Ads so they could place ads on my mockoblog and I could monitor the usage of my site;
  3. Somebody decided to go on my website just to click on the adverts, so I may get money from Google or just for the basic purpose of taking me out of business;
  4. I noticed an unusual level of clicks on the adverts compared to page visits, I knew who  might have caused it and I asked that party to stop immediately, I even tried to contact Google AdSense to prevent this from happening;
  5. Google measured the numbers and their statistics indicated that I was cheating (which was not at all the case) and I got disconnected from Google AdSense, which for me was the tool to measure the number of hits on my page and the potential interest in advertising there;
  6. Google sent me an email warning that I’m out and I only had one chance to appeal;
  7. I placed the appeal with explanations, as whatever may have looked bad from the Google point of view was just normal stuff at my end;
  8. The appeal was meant to be one-off, I couldn’t do another one ever after, but I knew I had always been corect an I was expecting justice;
  9. Exactly 48 hours after, I got this final reply:

<<Hello,

Thank you for providing us with additional information. However, after thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into consideration, we have re-confirmed that your account poses a significant risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we are unable to reinstate your account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions that we have taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more information by visiting [stinky link].

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

Google Ireland Ltd.

Gordon House

Barrow Street

Dublin 4

Ireland

Registered in Dublin, Ireland

Registration Number: 368047

This email may be confidential or privileged. If you received this communication by mistake, please don’t forward it to anyone else, please erase all copies and attachments, and please let me know that it went to the wrong person. Thanks. >>

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So now it’s over. I have nothing to reply to. I have always been innocent but I remain guilty at all times. I can’t fight against the machine. The robot doesn’t care. If you think robots are kindm helpful and play by the human rules, you are wrong.

I think some of you may not understand the full picture: we are nice people doing nice stuff, but bad guys hack on us and Google says: “you should all die, I don’t care, I am the first living ROBOT and humans have non-essential questions; by the way, humans are always wrong. If you can’t send them to jail, just kill the naughty humans on the spot”.

My Dear Google,

You got it wrong but it’s only me that suffers.

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GOOGLE IS A KILLING MACHINE, A CORPORATION THAT HAS BEEN INTRODUCING ROBOTS INTO OUR LIFE TO MEASURE AND CONTROL US. LAUGH NO MORE!

The only pleasure Google has, as a robot, is to see you die just because you are a human being. If the robots can go after the baby in our womb, they’ll kill it with even more enhanced pleasure / efficiency.

GOOGLE is a poison we all have to drink. It will eventually kill all of us to create a docile Internet populated by robots, but, if you are alive for the moment, please spit on Google by boycotting it. This organization is a hydra that know everything you do, knows where you are, has the picture of the front of your house, your private data, everything.

They’ve killed my expectations already just because I was a nice guy and told them the truth.

Google.com is a robot organization! Stay away from it! BOYCOTT GOOGLE!

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I typed this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

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Posted in Conspiracy, Electronics, General, MOCKOPEDIA | Comments Closed

How Not to Buy

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Yesterday I found on the Net a former colleague, maybe even friend. We haven’t been in touch for about fifteen years. I saw her last time in Europe, where we both used to live. Now she’s in North America and I’m in the South Pacific. So many years and so many miles apart, I thought of something that we ­must have in common, something that’s so universally valid, that I can share with my friend and she’ll immediately understand and perhaps agree. I dedicate this mockopost to Vianora.

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One of the silliest things I can think of is shopping. And I absolutely love it!

I fully accept that shopping is therapy for depression, obesity, measles, catalepsy and many other conditions I claim not to have.  People go shopping even when their account is in red, they get deeper in debt, yet they fell better. If a new pair of slippers could make you fell reborn, a new car will take you straight to Nirvana (I experienced it eight times).

The daily act of shopping is a bit like having sex, maybe with a softer ending, but safer, generally speaking. Sometimes it can involve a little redundancy (daily dairy shopping across the road) but this is like being in a strong matrimonial relationship: loads of fidelity and no surprises. Yet some other times shopping is a heavenly experience: go to Paris or Melbourne, Milan or Tokyo, get a cab and ask the driver to stop as soon as you see a shop with the letter ‘N’ third on its name or just walk on a busy commercial street and pick the seventh shop on the left. Go in and I bet you’ll find something to buy. Now, this is like having a one night stand and waking up with no hangover and the love of your life bringing you breakfast in bed. The only significant difference is that with shopping you can experience this far more often than in real life.

Shopping is power: I can buy; therefore I must have money, which means I’ve got the power.

Shopping is kindness: I can buy something for you; therefore I show you how much I care and how important you really are for me. (And shopping for YOU means even more power: I’m so powerful that I can even afford to  buy it for you, not for ME.)

In a way or another, for many years I sold stuff or I advertised for other people’s stuff so they could sell it better. I know the look in the eyes of a person who wants to buy as well as the expression on the face of somebody who can not afford buying. Shopping is a drug. It is more addictive than nicotine, it is compulsive and unforgiving. Its high is very short lived when compared to how much you spent for achieving it and, what’s worse, shopping is not only legal, but encouraged. In fact shopping is the vital force of our society and one of the few differences between our species and the others.

Having had a lot to do with shopping and selling, I thought I may write a book on how NOT to buy stuff. I’d put really cool little secrets in there, like how not to make eye contact with the salesman and how not to… Forget it! I’m hoping a smart publisher will read this blog and offer me a contract for the printed, podcasted, DVD recorded and the online versions of How Not to Buy. Sorry, this is why I won’t disclose any tricks in here. (Not just yet.) I hope you’ve enjoyed the introduction though.

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Posted in Electronics, General, Shopping, Travel | Comments Closed

How to Write a Blog (Featuring the Rule of Thumb for Blogging)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

I’m new to the so-called blogosphere. And I hate it. I never wanted my site to be confused with a blog (though now you can find it listed at blogcatalog.com – despite their early refusal to accept it). The mockoblog is to the blog what Terminator 2 is to the first animal + weapon + hunter scratched on a cave wall by our ancestors: no better, no worse thing, just so bloody different!

Blogs have been around for quite some time now, not as long as I have been, but long enough for me to not read them at all until I started to write the mockoblog.

I’ve been doing my homework and this is what I found:

  1. Blogs are stupidly boring and amazingly superficial.
  2. People write blogs because they have nothing to say but this silence of their mind sounds better when some audience is around.
  3. There was/is actually an older term for blog and that is the diary (journal), the only two problems with this one being that you normally need some paper and a quill and that you are supposed to keep it to yourself, tucked under your pillow at least for a while. I cannot imagine a book printed after the death of an author and called “The Secret Blog of Mr. Jack the Ripper” while “The Unearthed Journal of a Certain Jack” makes more publishing sense.
  4. There are good blogs, but they must have two features: they are very specific (normally technical stuff) and they do not reach a large audience (for the same reason), which means that they are no blogs at all anyway.
  5. There are many blogs that relate to something that should never be spoken outside a private conversation because they certainly do not make the object of interest for anyone outside that conversation. Unfortunately these blogs are the bulk of the lot and the sillier they are, the more they get promoted because we, the readers, are as silly as you can imagine. There is no handy example for this kind of blog: 99% of all blogs are part of this category. Imagine: I write about how I burned my pancakes and you read it! Who’s stupid? Or imagine: you write about how you lost 12 ponds in a fortnight just to put it back again the following weekend! Who’s the dumbest?
  6. CONCLUSION: Blogs are Internet pollution. They should be banned or at least the authors should be charged about $1 per word and the readers should pay an access fee of at least $5 per letter to be allowed to even click on them. That would teach them both! (I think all the proceedings should go straight to the big corporates that are spending so much $$$ anyway. Perhaps Google and Microsoft should create a joint venture called Goosoft or Microgle and this entity should police thye proper usage of blogging across the human and robot worlds.)

Just in case you write a blog, here’s my advice:

a)      Get a pen and a piece of paper;

b)      Throw these old tools away as you won’t need them with your computer anyway;

c)       Buy the latest laptop and make sure it’s got all the wireless technology in it (I use a smart phone, which is smaller and far more mobile than a laptop PC or IBook, needs less battery power and can also call an emergency number).

d)      Get a good and reliable Internet connection (but also browse for free ones when you’re in the area).

e)      Start writing. (That’s the tricky part and it doesn’t always work straight away, so start experiencing something first and make it worth writing about).

f)       Problems? Try again!

g)      Once you start writing just be carful that the more you do it, the worse it’ll get, so chill: no writing is better than a lot of.

h)      Look at you PC screen, divide it in two with a horizontal line, and take 15% off the top and about 12% off the bottom, measure what’s left in the middle: that’s the height of what people may read. Now you have the length of your post.

i)        Never post things that are bigger than the eyes can see at a glance. Apply step (h) to width as well but if you have a wide screen monitor, consider that some people may not.

j)        Don’t post too often. What often means? Say you are a chef desperate to find some Guinea Pigs for his latest recipe: post every time you need to conduct a low budget experiment with volunteers. Say you are a movie star aged 24 and you target an audience of 50+, mostly opposite sex: post once every generation.

The Rule of Thumb for Blogging is: look at you, then look at you in the mirror: the one who looks smarter is more deceiving, so he/she should write the blog ‘cause the other one will surely read it.

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Posted in Electronics, General, MOCKOPEDIA | Comments Closed

Mockopedia – Nostalgic Music Section

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

A very close friend of mine whose name I can’t really remember believes that the older I get, the better I used to be.

Nights on end we were polishing our blue jeans with a Zippo lighter and listening to the then new vinyl 33 LPs. We played the discs only once to be recorded on magnetic tape before being placed back in their square sleeves for safe keeping. The lack of expression on our faces was pure poetry.

Do you remember: Stire Draits, Zed Leppelin, Fing Ployd?

Pink Floyd Norn

Copyright issues? Try again!

Pink Floyd Neg Flip

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Sorry, but DC/AC ain’t ring a bell.

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Posted in Art, Electronics, MOCKOPEDIA | Comments Closed

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