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Internet Fun – Joke of the Day

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

(Disclaimer: Whatever comes as unsolicited email is unsolicited email. I may adapt, enhance or delete most of  it  but these changes will only relate to the  fundamental meaning and the channel of transmission. The rest stays as it is.)

The Swine Flue has arrived in my little town in the middle of winter, which is really good timing.

Now look, no kidding! If it’s a pandemic, when would you rather have it? In summer, when you are on holiday catching the big fish, when you have to mow the lawn or when you are already pissed off because you have to go to work when everybody else is on vacation? I’ll have it in winter any day, thank you very much! Give me more bugs now, maybe I get some sick leave, maybe I still pretend I want to go to work and I don’t understand while are all avoiding me. Winter is the time when you’re best to stay inside anyway, so it’s the right season for home quarantine.

For the moment this is a rather mild disease anyway. The vast majority of us get well in no time, with almost no side effects. Look at me!  I’m already cured and I never felt better:

SwineFlueAffected

I have to admit that the World Health Organisation has a point: we should not call it Swine Flu. It’s actually Human and the pigs are the victims of our aggression. Who would you blame in this incident of inter-species contamination? Is it the pig who is confined to its pen and has no choice but to communicate in its normal and friendly way? Or is it the human, conqueror of Troy, Mount Everest, the South Pole, the Outer Space and Destroyer of the Moa bird, of the Bengal Tiger (almost), not to mention other species I don’t really know but of which there were many, perhaps including the dinosaurs who managed to survive the first alien spacecraft departure? Take a moment and look intently at this snapshot of what we call humanity but Al Gore is right to call Global Warming:

SwineStart

What really puzzles me is what the trained eye can see in the right lower corner!

Casually wearing a sandal (just to remind everyone of the Roman military might and international ambition), guess who is actually supervising, if not encouraging this “accidental contact”!

Do you need a clue? I’ll give you two:

a) it starts with PHARMA___ and ends in ___CEUTICAL;

b) sorry, you don’t really need the second word because you may place it first.

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Posted in Internet Fun - Joke of the Day, MOCKOPEDIA | Comments Closed

History in the Mocking (IV) – How to Shoot Oneself in the Foot (Based on a Common UFO Abduction Story)

Sunday, June 14th, 2009

I now have confirmation from outside the matrix of the internet search robots that the concept of mockoblog exists!

I had applied to the blog catalog thingy to list my blog. It took their robot over 48 hours to come up with this email:

<<BlogCatalog – Submission Declined: Angle Blog – World’s 1st MockoBlog?

From: BlogCatalog ([blablabla]@blogcatalog.com)
You may not know this sender. Mark as safe / Mark as Junk.[My inbox was not smart enough to know whether this was junk or not. I do. Do you?]
Sent: Sunday, 14 June 2009 6:47:27 a.m.
To: [administrator] ([me]@[something].com)

Dear [administrator],

Thank you for submitting your blog Angle Blog – World’s 1st MockoBlog (http://www.angle.co.nz) to BlogCatalog.

Unfortunately upon reviewing your blog we are unable to grant it access to the directory.

Your blog was declined for the following reason:

  • The URL you submitted is not a blog. [History, remember this moment!]

If you believe this to be a mistake, you can login to Blog Catalog ([their address]) and change anything which may have caused it to get declined. After updating your blog, it will be put back into the submission queue.

If you have any questions/comments/suggestions/ideas please feel free to contact us.

Thanks,
BlogCatalog>>

*

Not only that I like the syle of this email which is clearly better than the one used by my bank in its monthly statements; also:

I’m over the Moon! I have confirmation from one of the most qualified authorities in the blogosphere that my blog is not a blog. (I never thought it was.) If it’s not a blog, it must be something else. Since nobody know what it is and the blog catalog doesn’t come with an explanation or a definition, it means the mockoblog is just what it says it is: a mockoblog, for the time being THE mockoblog.

However, I’m sorry for the blog catalog people or robots (or a bit of a clone of both – that’s also a new concept, as a respectable clone is usually a copy of only one thing). They are shooting their own foot with great precision by not being part of history in the mocking. Leave me out of the blogosphere (your entrance into that sphere, rather) and you condemn yourself to stay forever outside history. To be more precise: when the non-books of the future are publishing the history of everything, the mockoblog will have its place (I guess somewhere close to the hieroglips, not far from the first CD created by Sony and Philips and perhaps the author of the 1st mockoblog will be found in the same footnote as John Barth or in the very close vicinity of Homer, Dante and Cervantes, not to mention Shakespeare, Roger Waters and some guys who are yet to be born). This reminds me to change my pseudo-name on the mockoblog from the boring and technical “Administrator” into what this (oh, so humble!) author is: “The Creator”. (“Technical support! How do I do that?” – – – Static, then a louder male voice from among a few female little voices – – – “No, you can’t! Over!”)

Anyhow, I had even posted a ranking system from their website on my site. By the way, you may have noticed that normally there are no active links in the body of my posts, if you wish to go to a source I may mention, you have to copy and paste it in your browser, as I don’t believe in free intertextuality at such level as to allow my readers to escape the mockoblog and evade into the unknown. But I digress. I had that link there and from it my readers could be practically sent at warp speed into the blog catalog. Not another window or tab, just out of the mockoblog and into completely something else, highly populated and less original space: a list. It’s like dreaming of a large magnolia in your cosy bed with your cuddly lover wrapped around you and suddenly waking up on a dissection table in some rusty UFO. That’s what links do. (Exceptions are those links that are plane and obvious adverts which may happen to be of interest for the reader of the page, if the reader makes a voluntary decision and click on them, thus also contributing sometimes to sponsoring the actual site the advert is on. But I’m digressing again.)

No worries mate! I’m removing your link altogether. Thanks for letting me know I’m too different to be one of yours. Cheers blog catalog!  See you later!

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Posted in General, Internet Fun - Joke of the Day, MOCKOPEDIA | Comments Closed

Internet Fun – Joke of the Day (NOT)

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Less than four days since I posted my opinions on a possible cause for the last Airbus tragedy, I have received the email I’m publishing bellow with almost no comments:


This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, one of

the largest passenger

airplane ever built,

sits just outside it’s hangar

in Toulouse , France,

without a single hour of airtime on the clock….

image001

Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies

(ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the  ground, such as

engine run-ups prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi .

The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.

image002

Then they took all Four engines to takeoff power

with a virtually empty aircraft.

Not having Read the run-up

manuals, they had no clue just how light

an empty A340-600 really is.

image003

The take-off warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit

because they had All 4 engines at full power.

The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off,

but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc…)

image004

Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit

breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm.

This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.

image005

The computers automatically released all the brakes –

and set the aircraft rocketing forward !!

With the following result……….

image006

The Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technology crew had no idea

that this is a safety feature so that pilots can’t land with the brakes on.

image007

Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough

to throttle back the engines from their max power setting,

so the $200 million brand-new aircraft

crashed into a blast barrier, totalling it.

image008

The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the

news blackout in the major media.

image009

This was because coverage of the story was

deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.

image010

Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.

image011

A $300 million aircraft meets wall.

*

I do not know the original source of this email and I suspect it’s highly advertorial. I guess it could have been launched by an Asian competitor, perhaps one that has ordered even more A380s. Just a guess. But I like the interior.

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Internet Fun – Joke of the Day

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

NOTE AT THE START OF THIS NEW SECTION: I get a lot of email that looks like borderline spam & junk. It’s neither. It comes from contacts I know and I’d call it copyright free. I read it most of the times and sometimes I copy it before I paste it in a new message and I forward it to other contacts (to make sure no bugs go wit it).  Most of this staff would circle the net and that’s it. Of course some of it can be harmful to your PC or even to your private data. This is why I’d rather post it here! Since it came unsolicited and with no author, I think this stuff is public domain anyway, so lawyers are trespassed! However, I’d like to thank to whoever writes these things for their involuntary contribution to my blog.

*

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns


Dear Dave,

I hope you can help me here.
The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.  He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?


Sincerely,

Sheila

——————–

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Dave

*

Feel free to add your own internet jokes here if you so wish, as long as they are decent stuff they won’t be removed. If you know the source, please mention it. What you post is your responsibility anyway.

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