Posts Tagged ‘car’

Internet Fun – Joke of the Day

Saturday, July 4th, 2009

My friend Steve sent me this:

<<THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’ I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’

And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.>>

Google Brings the Apocalypse Near – History in the Mocking VI – The Robots Are Here

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

I’m typing this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

*

I am a human being. I was born. I am going to die. Google is not human. It was born, but it will never die. All Google knows about life is how to kill it. To call Google a “Virus” would be a compliment.

I have a story of soft poisoning and harsh stabbing in the back. Ironically for humans but quite normal for robots, this story is everlasting. Many of you, my readers, will come across this story here through Google itself because the robots have no life and can experience no death.

I just hope that what has happened to me is not a global trend. I know we all shall die but I’d rather see our species demise in a funnier way than the Terminator movies predicted.

*

This is the story of how Google killed me:

  1. I created a website (this one);
  2. I subscribed to Google Ads so they could place ads on my mockoblog and I could monitor the usage of my site;
  3. Somebody decided to go on my website just to click on the adverts, so I may get money from Google or just for the basic purpose of taking me out of business;
  4. I noticed an unusual level of clicks on the adverts compared to page visits, I knew who  might have caused it and I asked that party to stop immediately, I even tried to contact Google AdSense to prevent this from happening;
  5. Google measured the numbers and their statistics indicated that I was cheating (which was not at all the case) and I got disconnected from Google AdSense, which for me was the tool to measure the number of hits on my page and the potential interest in advertising there;
  6. Google sent me an email warning that I’m out and I only had one chance to appeal;
  7. I placed the appeal with explanations, as whatever may have looked bad from the Google point of view was just normal stuff at my end;
  8. The appeal was meant to be one-off, I couldn’t do another one ever after, but I knew I had always been corect an I was expecting justice;
  9. Exactly 48 hours after, I got this final reply:

<<Hello,

Thank you for providing us with additional information. However, after thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into consideration, we have re-confirmed that your account poses a significant risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we are unable to reinstate your account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions that we have taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more information by visiting [stinky link].

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

Google Ireland Ltd.

Gordon House

Barrow Street

Dublin 4

Ireland

Registered in Dublin, Ireland

Registration Number: 368047

This email may be confidential or privileged. If you received this communication by mistake, please don’t forward it to anyone else, please erase all copies and attachments, and please let me know that it went to the wrong person. Thanks. >>

*

So now it’s over. I have nothing to reply to. I have always been innocent but I remain guilty at all times. I can’t fight against the machine. The robot doesn’t care. If you think robots are kindm helpful and play by the human rules, you are wrong.

I think some of you may not understand the full picture: we are nice people doing nice stuff, but bad guys hack on us and Google says: “you should all die, I don’t care, I am the first living ROBOT and humans have non-essential questions; by the way, humans are always wrong. If you can’t send them to jail, just kill the naughty humans on the spot”.

My Dear Google,

You got it wrong but it’s only me that suffers.

*

GOOGLE IS A KILLING MACHINE, A CORPORATION THAT HAS BEEN INTRODUCING ROBOTS INTO OUR LIFE TO MEASURE AND CONTROL US. LAUGH NO MORE!

The only pleasure Google has, as a robot, is to see you die just because you are a human being. If the robots can go after the baby in our womb, they’ll kill it with even more enhanced pleasure / efficiency.

GOOGLE is a poison we all have to drink. It will eventually kill all of us to create a docile Internet populated by robots, but, if you are alive for the moment, please spit on Google by boycotting it. This organization is a hydra that know everything you do, knows where you are, has the picture of the front of your house, your private data, everything.

They’ve killed my expectations already just because I was a nice guy and told them the truth.

Google.com is a robot organization! Stay away from it! BOYCOTT GOOGLE!

*

I typed this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

How Not to Buy

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Yesterday I found on the Net a former colleague, maybe even friend. We haven’t been in touch for about fifteen years. I saw her last time in Europe, where we both used to live. Now she’s in North America and I’m in the South Pacific. So many years and so many miles apart, I thought of something that we ­must have in common, something that’s so universally valid, that I can share with my friend and she’ll immediately understand and perhaps agree. I dedicate this mockopost to Vianora.

*

One of the silliest things I can think of is shopping. And I absolutely love it!

I fully accept that shopping is therapy for depression, obesity, measles, catalepsy and many other conditions I claim not to have.  People go shopping even when their account is in red, they get deeper in debt, yet they fell better. If a new pair of slippers could make you fell reborn, a new car will take you straight to Nirvana (I experienced it eight times).

The daily act of shopping is a bit like having sex, maybe with a softer ending, but safer, generally speaking. Sometimes it can involve a little redundancy (daily dairy shopping across the road) but this is like being in a strong matrimonial relationship: loads of fidelity and no surprises. Yet some other times shopping is a heavenly experience: go to Paris or Melbourne, Milan or Tokyo, get a cab and ask the driver to stop as soon as you see a shop with the letter ‘N’ third on its name or just walk on a busy commercial street and pick the seventh shop on the left. Go in and I bet you’ll find something to buy. Now, this is like having a one night stand and waking up with no hangover and the love of your life bringing you breakfast in bed. The only significant difference is that with shopping you can experience this far more often than in real life.

Shopping is power: I can buy; therefore I must have money, which means I’ve got the power.

Shopping is kindness: I can buy something for you; therefore I show you how much I care and how important you really are for me. (And shopping for YOU means even more power: I’m so powerful that I can even afford to  buy it for you, not for ME.)

In a way or another, for many years I sold stuff or I advertised for other people’s stuff so they could sell it better. I know the look in the eyes of a person who wants to buy as well as the expression on the face of somebody who can not afford buying. Shopping is a drug. It is more addictive than nicotine, it is compulsive and unforgiving. Its high is very short lived when compared to how much you spent for achieving it and, what’s worse, shopping is not only legal, but encouraged. In fact shopping is the vital force of our society and one of the few differences between our species and the others.

Having had a lot to do with shopping and selling, I thought I may write a book on how NOT to buy stuff. I’d put really cool little secrets in there, like how not to make eye contact with the salesman and how not to… Forget it! I’m hoping a smart publisher will read this blog and offer me a contract for the printed, podcasted, DVD recorded and the online versions of How Not to Buy. Sorry, this is why I won’t disclose any tricks in here. (Not just yet.) I hope you’ve enjoyed the introduction though.

How I Won Lotto (II) – The Insurance and the Lotto Gamble

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Today I’ll explain the miracle of lotto: how to win.

Before we go any further, please consider your insurance policies.  Do you have a car insured? Your house, organs, teeth or maybe home contents, the grand piano, even a bank loan or your own life are insured. Good on you! I guess you have enough $$$ to pay for these insurance policies and you have heaps of peace of mind. Let’s say you’re insured against crushing your car and the amount they are going to pay you if you do something very naughty, like slamming your Porsche  into the Pentagon (it has been done, but not with cars) is going to be up to maybe two million dollars (that’s $2,000,000). OK, you did this very-very-very bad thing and the insurance has to pay for it. How many other people did bang their cars into one of the five sides of that well guarded building since you got insured? This kind of event is very unlikely, but the insurance company takes a bet. It gambles the money it makes from you and from many others against the odds. Surely a million people insured for a thousand buck each can pay for one bad driver causing a lot of damage, even a million bucks worth of damage, as during that time the money was invested and created profit anyway. This is a scenario involving big numbers and unlikely events. Let’s analyse the more probable combinations. Let’s say you pay $10 every month to insure your car. Let’s say every ten month you crush it and it costs $1000 to get it fixed. This means that your insurer believes that there are more then ten drivers like you (same age group, same type of car, same driving history, etc.) who will pay the same to have their cars insured but will not crush them. It’s a very simplistic explanation. In fact it’s not only that the company who insured you had done its homework on risk factors, and it’s just collecting money from the ones who keep out of trouble to pay for the likes of you. No! They also make sure you pay in the end. They may have an excess factor, like: “howdy, if you mildly crush your car we’ll pay you up to its full value, but you have to pay the first $500” and “sorry mate, you were paying only 10 bucks a month because you had no claim history, now you have to pay $25 for the next five years. Non-claim years, by the way…” Do you fell ripped of? Of course not! What if it were you? If you have a problem, the nice guys from the insurance will pay for you. It’s just another tax: the tax on your peace of mind.

Lottery is worse. A guy I’ve never met called it tax on stupidity.

I guess he was right to some extent. Yet I believe that both the insurance and the lottery are actually a taxes on the mortality of the human being.  Robots don’t take life insurance of their own and they don’t gamble. They have nothing to loose, thus no fear. That’s because live has no value for them (fair enough, since they don’t have one).  For us how we live our only life is bloody important. If I get sick and I have no money I may die two decades sooner (insurance). If I crush my bike into the Hubble Telescope I may have to pay for the rest of my life, thus my life would be forfeited (insurance).  If I’m broke but I can buy an $5 lotto ticket and I don’t win, I’ll be the same, my life perspectives won’t change (lottery). But if I buy a ticket and I win the first prize of many millions, yes! I’m the man! My life is finally worth living, it’s almost as if I die a little bit less than you guys do (lottery).

Gambling is in our veins, more precisely in the cells that flow through our veins and more precisely in their nuclei but particularly in the chromosomes, to be exact in the genes that programme us to die.

We’ve been gambling since we came out of the egg in the wild, we took our chances by stepping out of the murky waters onto the sand, and then we dared climb down the tree and never returned. That’s if you think Darwin was right. I happen to have in my study his big blue book bound in leather. Bigger than the Bible and I dare say equally boring. As to the truth value of these books, I cannot judge. The truth hurts, yet telling the truth kills.

I’ll tell you some truth today. It’s the truth I believe in as deep as I believe in my alien grand-grand-grandma.

Let’s play lotto: you against the National system that runs the game. Remember the insurance equation many of us are part of? Think of this less consequential one: what if I buy a $10 ticket? The next draw could be up to ten million! Do this every week of your active life…

In a system that draws 6 numbers out of 40, which is generally speaking an user-friendly lottery, more likely to run for a limited time and/or in a small country, every line you pick has 6 numbers and you need a few of them to win. This is how it works:

  1. The first ball is drawn: you have 1 chance in 40 for each number you play, that is 6/40;
  2. If the first ball was lucky for you, for the next one you have 5/39 chances;
  3. (and so on)
  4. (and on)
  5. (and on)
  6. By now, when the sixth ball is drawn, you have 1/35 chances to get it right. That’s on top of being so good as to get all the other ones.

Simple maths tells us that to get 6 out of 40 numbers you have a chance of 1 in 3,838,380. What does it mean? Say each line of lotto is costing you $1 and you buy an average of 10 for every weekly draw, your chances improve by 10, so you really have chances of 1 in 383,383 to win the big prize of the first division. But maybe you are already rich and you can afford to spend $100 weekly: this improves your chances another 10 times, so you will get the top prize with a rough probability of 1 in “only” 38,383. If you pay $100 weekly for every one of the 52 weeks of the year, you only need only 738 years and 1 month to get it! If this news is not good enough, try to just pay more for your tickets: if you gamble $1000 every week it improves your chances but not it may not be enough, as you still have to wait (space of probability, no guarantee, you may win tomorrow or not at all) for about 74 years, which is really not my cup of tea. Of course, you may gamble even more every week, but who would? If you are a millionaire already, I doubt you would be spending your millions on an investment that only has a rough chance of 1:40,000 to generate big profit.

20040229_dur_r34_047.jpg

So why do we play lotto? (Please note: I did not ask rhetorically “why do we gamble?” because general gambling is as different to the National Lottery as Uma Thurman is to Danny DeVito. (No offence to either, just two different typos. By the way: I stole these photos off the Internet with no copyright so I may be fined like the Jammie Thomas-Rasset woman who pirated 24 songs and is now to pay $2M.)

danny-devito

If you want to be in for the big lucky one, go lotto! If you want to stand a chance, go to an honest casino. On Black Jack your chances are nearly 50-50%. On the French Roulette not so good, but a straight bet may win you about $35 for every buck you gamble. That’s more than 100,000 times more likely than winning the big lottery.

This is no promotional stuff for any gambling institution. All gambling is bloody bad (unless you win). Yet winning in a Casino is far more likely and more people do so than on the big lottery stage. However, a BIG win is more attractive because it’s more likely to be a life-changing experience. Be a nice homeless guy, find a coin by the kerb, enter the lotto shop poor, buy a ticket and tomorrow you’ll be a millionaire giving $$$ to charities to keep other people off the street. That’s perfection. Reality is not.

What most people don’t get is that regardless how big the pot is, your chances are just based on how much you spend (how many options you buy). In fact, on a big jackpot you risk more: even if you win, it is more likely that there will be other winners to share the prize with you.

Still remember the insurance business? Your chances to bang into the Pentagon are even smaller than you winning lotto’s first division. What do you want to do? (You don’t have to do anything, yet life is short, thus you’d better spice it up!) I would chose French Roulette (not to be confussed with Russian one).

Roulette110807

Meanwhile I’m signing off to go and check my lotto ticket. By the way: guess if I have insured my car?! (Hint: I drive a British red turbo.)