Posts Tagged ‘mobile phone’

Mockoblog Survival Test

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Do you think the time of humans as we know them (the hard working guys who mostly die of hunger and the soft flashy rich ones, who die of publicity or overloaded bank accounts) will carry on for much longer?

Do you think petrol is going up and uranium is going down? Do you believe in God as I don’t?

All we now call ‘human society’ could come to an end not by our demise, but by our dismissal. If you are from this planet and if you claim to be human, have you considered the Era of the Machine? We have that machine in place. It is yet spacious, parts of it are being called Google, parts of it are being called Pentagon, parts of it are proud of being called the UN or the Red Cross or the Children’s Found or your sports club. The technology gathered together by all these entities is taking another shape: it is becoming a world wide disease as we speak.

Swine flu? I had it! I am alive. Did I start it? Yes! For the guy next to me who also got it, yes! Do I rip the benefits? Guess who does it on my behalf! A disease with a name needs tests, vaccines and targeted medicine. Do I make them? Do I own the company who makes them? Think about it!

Petrol crisis? Did I make it? It did affect me, it does affect you (and when it doesn’t, fear for worse, as it will come back with a vengeance)!

Recession: uuuups! Did you take any advantage of it? No? I’m so sorry. Anyone you know? No? Sorry again. Somebody is making huge profits. Is it you?

Computers, ipods, cellphones, play consoles, fast foods, space stations, fast Internet, travel tickets, bargains, pre-booked funerals, photo sharing, insurance schemes, pharmaceutical conglomerates, gyms, adopetd kids, DVDs of how to get rich, etc. – do you own any of these? If your answer is ‘yes’ – piss of the mockoblog! If your answer is ‘no’ – welcome to the party of the losers, a.k.a. the human mankind.

If you’re not quite sure, follow these steps:

1. Check your life status: tick 1 for being alive and 0 for being dead;

2. Ask your family how do they feel about it (no family – ask your friends) – score 0 anyway;

3. Are you going to be richer tomorrow? – score 1 if you read this tomorrow;

4. Are you going to be healthier tomorrow? – score 5 as long as you can because this is just a special offer;

5. Add up the previous results (no adding skills? –  score 10 points for being able to control a calculator);

6. If your score exceeds mine, I grant you another 2 points;

7. If you don’t know my score, I take 100 points off your total;

8. If you’re still insisting on finding you total or have any other questions, please press ctr+alt+del;

9. Not happy yet? Here’s a 1 point bonus for your loyalty!!!;

10. Ignore the first 9 steps, we all know you’re part of the machine that allows you to take part in our survey. You have been granted another day as a human on this planet, as you know it. It may be your last.

Disclaimer: Due to the rating of mockoblog.com, we are not able to ask the more specific questions that could lead to an exact day of your dismissal from the human species. However, we can assure you taht you have taken the right approach and when the machine will govern alone, your memory will be considered for an upgrade to a happier state. This offer does not extend to siblings, parents or children, unless they have taken the test on their own, which could be highly damaging for your unique future DNA profile, thus we advise to disable their machine account anyway.

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Hey readers!

It’s not such a big deal! You’ll have to die anyway. It doesn’t come like an UFO invasion! This is already here and you are used to it. It’s gonna be smooth stuff, maybe you’ll even get a glimpse of how it’s done. Don’t blame Google or BP or Microsoft or the companies that make drugs and want their manes not to be so easy to remember. Thy are just the big fish that took the big bait first. The engine is running pretty cool for them. When your turn comes, it may be a good idea to think that is just religious stuff, maybe a pandemic or something, or maybe the economy collapsing. Take your pick! The result is the same. And you’re not gonna be part of the ones to see it. Unless you are an alien, of course.

As for me, the only alien I got to know closely is the PC and Internet machine. But what do I know?!

Breaking News for the Normal Generation: Aliens Here!

Monday, July 6th, 2009

For the initiated: yes, she’s here. The wee alien lady is slowly adapting to this planet she calls MaBaAa and we call Earth. Future is here.

Please post no comments to this entry unless you are part of the right species.

People Live in Iran

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Mild Warning for the General Reader: This post has no ‘mocko’ in it. It’s just bloody serious. If you expect funny stuff, get out of here right now and come back later.

Serious Warning for the Homo Politicus: I follow politics because I live in this world as it is. Commenting on politics is not my cup of tea. If you are a politician or a politician’s henchman, get out of here after reading this post and please don’t come back. You won’t get the message anyway.

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When I write my usual stuff, it normally comes to me and I just write it and in the end I have to look for a title. When I decided to write on this subject, the title came to me first. It was ‘People Die in Iran’.  I changed it to ‘People Live in Iran’ because I find the ones that are alive infinitely more important than the other ones. And this includes the martyrs.

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Let’s just set the background a wee bit:

I was born, I grew up and I was educated in the European Communist Block. It was dictatorship all right: the kind of regime that would send your mum to jail for cracking a joke about how you couldn’t find milk at the supermarket. If you think that’s a joke in itself, piss off my blog right now!

The communists always referred to what they were doing as The Revolution. Guess what?! Another revolution came and threw them out. I was a student then. People were shot in the streets big time. Mates of mine were beaten, mates of mates of mine were run over by tanks and mates of their mates got bullets through their young intellectual heads.  It took years to tell good from bad and the murky waters have not cleared yet, nearly one generation after.

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Now let’s have a look at the stage overall as the actors have a dress rehearsal:

We have a tiny planet, the only one we’ve seen up close. There are loads of us, of different colours, beliefs and ambitions, but generally speaking a pretty murderous lot altogether. We shoot our neighbors in the name of our border, we poison our cousins in the name of the wealthy deceased relative and we cannot help hunting down our ideological foes. Of course, some of us get better at this game and acquire more powerful ammo and softer tactics, while others just like it to be basic instinct-based and they do whatever it takes to keep the fight on their ground, as they know it better.  Well, this is only a low resolution picture of our reality. In fact not only that the picture is very highly defined and conflicts can occur between some pixels that happen to live close enough to each other (see the former Yugoslavia in the 90s) but the picture itself lives not only in our synchronic present, but also in the diachronic realm of history.  It’s like:

“Good morning!  I came to – err, look at this knife, I sharpened it – I came to stab you today.”

“Why, you are my best friend? By the way, it looks really sharp indeed! Good work, my friend!”

“Shut up! I WAS your friend! Don’t ever call me that again! ”

“But – why?”

“Your ancestors spat on my ancestors’ shrine!”

“Yes. That was five hundred years ago.”

“I’ve only found out last night on the news!” (Stabbing action follows.)

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Centre stage:

Iran. These days it’s Iran.

I now live in a Western country and I have a lot of concern about what’s going to happen in the future. Not the diet thing, I know I’m getting fatter and every week I spend one minute less on the court and one minute more in the Lawn Tennis Club’s bar; I mean serious stuff, the kind of stuff that’s on Fox TV or Google, where smart people gather. I can read. Believe you me: I can do it a notch better than I can write and much faster than  I can spell. I am also watching TV (I’m big on watching TV; I’ll challenge you any day at a TV-watching competition!). I can listen to a bit of radio in my car and I’m even coming to grips with this computer-Internet funky stuff. I hear about this Iranian business and I remember I heard about Iran many years ago, when they were fighting the-then-good-guys from Iraq. But I had also heard of Iran even before that: The Iranian Hostage Crisis – remember? And even before that: there was a revolution – The Islamic Revolution.

You know, the world I live in today and the world I used to live in many years ago are so different. Yet MY world is pretty much the same. Even after the media bombardment I see it quite the same. Perhaps it is because I have both angles.  But think of those who only see one. Are you in Iran? – If yes, you’ve seen the same kind of stuff for the last thirty years or so. Are you in the States? – If yes, you might have seen what you were expecting to see every day of your life. Now try to put yourselves in the other guy’s place!

I simply can’t. If I were in Iran these days, would I be on the Ahmadinejad side? Would I rather be with the opposition? The American way is to be on the firing side of the gun, not on the receiving end of the bullet. However, the Obama administration is quite soft on Iran. He has loads of military stuff to move out of Iraq. It’s like when you play chess: touch a figure, lift it up from the board and you must put it down somewhere: retire or attack are not choices; to put that damn thing down is your only choice once you’ve lifted it!

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A  back stage dialogue:

When I was a student in my other country, the communist one, I met an Iranian guy at a party. This is the only Iranian I ever saw save the TV ones I see shot in the streets of Tehran and their more publicized leaders. He was studying law and he told me he already had a diploma in medicine from some US school and a masters degree in whatever else from Oxford. Judging by age, he could have been my father. Judging by his spending habits, he could have been my life-time sponsor (so I wouldn’t have to write this for elusive money that never comes from advertising). We were having beers. He was paying. I liked the guy. With all due respect, I’m not gay, but I just liked the guy, the way he was buying me drinks and not chatting up my girlfriend. I asked him how come he’s studying when he could be teaching or practicing medicine.  This is the answer he gave me twenty yeas ago:

“My family was very rich and powerful. My family was one of the top families in what you call Iran and what is in fact Persia, by its true name. This is the country where we believe civilization was born. Persia was and still is the richer country in the world. During centuries the Persians were influenced by the Arabs. Our religion, Zoroastrianism, became threatened by Islam but it still remained the same. When the Islamic Revolution imposed Islam over the whole country, my family was slaughtered or imprisoned for being rich and for being of the old religion. I was a student overseas then and I still am. I have access to their accounts that were not seized by the Islamic regime. I shall be a student until I can go back to my country as a free man. There may be a price on my head as we speak and you may be the very one who gives me in.”

Indeed I was. Two decades later I let people hear about this conversation. I was a coward then. Sobering up and going to the authorities would have deported him and surely thrown me out of University, if not having me run over by a black official car with the number plate covered in mud.

I don’t even remember the name of this Persian guy. But I remember I told him to get another couple of beers and I asked him why was he in my country then, as mine was a bloody autocratic regime anyway. The only Iranian guy I ever met laughed:

“You too live under dictatorship, but yours is an ideological one. Nobody believes in communism. In my country, call it Iran or Persia, they have the worse form of dictatorship: the religious one. Many believe in it. When you die in communism, nobody is happy; one has to kill you. It’s in the job description.  When you die in a religious regime the one who kills you is happy because he knows it’s done in the name of God.”

How Not to Buy

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Yesterday I found on the Net a former colleague, maybe even friend. We haven’t been in touch for about fifteen years. I saw her last time in Europe, where we both used to live. Now she’s in North America and I’m in the South Pacific. So many years and so many miles apart, I thought of something that we ­must have in common, something that’s so universally valid, that I can share with my friend and she’ll immediately understand and perhaps agree. I dedicate this mockopost to Vianora.

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One of the silliest things I can think of is shopping. And I absolutely love it!

I fully accept that shopping is therapy for depression, obesity, measles, catalepsy and many other conditions I claim not to have.  People go shopping even when their account is in red, they get deeper in debt, yet they fell better. If a new pair of slippers could make you fell reborn, a new car will take you straight to Nirvana (I experienced it eight times).

The daily act of shopping is a bit like having sex, maybe with a softer ending, but safer, generally speaking. Sometimes it can involve a little redundancy (daily dairy shopping across the road) but this is like being in a strong matrimonial relationship: loads of fidelity and no surprises. Yet some other times shopping is a heavenly experience: go to Paris or Melbourne, Milan or Tokyo, get a cab and ask the driver to stop as soon as you see a shop with the letter ‘N’ third on its name or just walk on a busy commercial street and pick the seventh shop on the left. Go in and I bet you’ll find something to buy. Now, this is like having a one night stand and waking up with no hangover and the love of your life bringing you breakfast in bed. The only significant difference is that with shopping you can experience this far more often than in real life.

Shopping is power: I can buy; therefore I must have money, which means I’ve got the power.

Shopping is kindness: I can buy something for you; therefore I show you how much I care and how important you really are for me. (And shopping for YOU means even more power: I’m so powerful that I can even afford to  buy it for you, not for ME.)

In a way or another, for many years I sold stuff or I advertised for other people’s stuff so they could sell it better. I know the look in the eyes of a person who wants to buy as well as the expression on the face of somebody who can not afford buying. Shopping is a drug. It is more addictive than nicotine, it is compulsive and unforgiving. Its high is very short lived when compared to how much you spent for achieving it and, what’s worse, shopping is not only legal, but encouraged. In fact shopping is the vital force of our society and one of the few differences between our species and the others.

Having had a lot to do with shopping and selling, I thought I may write a book on how NOT to buy stuff. I’d put really cool little secrets in there, like how not to make eye contact with the salesman and how not to… Forget it! I’m hoping a smart publisher will read this blog and offer me a contract for the printed, podcasted, DVD recorded and the online versions of How Not to Buy. Sorry, this is why I won’t disclose any tricks in here. (Not just yet.) I hope you’ve enjoyed the introduction though.