Posts Tagged ‘Internet’

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What to Get and What Not to Get from Switzerland

Saturday, July 11th, 2009

My best friend is in Switzerland on a business trip. He asked me if there’s anything I might like him to buy while over there. I have not travelled to that part of the world myself, but I had done my homework long time ago anyway and that’s what I asked him to get:

– Some Swiss chocolate;

– Some Swiss cheese;

– A Swiss Army knife;

– A precision Swiss watch;

– A Swiss bank savings account

He promised to get the Swiss Guard instead.

swiss-guard

(Photo stolen from somewhere on the Internet;  original text, though.)

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Posted in General, Shopping, Travel | Comments Closed

Little She Alien Details and Photo Revealed

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

I had to rise from my (swine?) flu sufferer’s bed to write this. My head works on auxiliary power, my knees are burning softly, my thought only accepts boiled red wine with cinnamon, bay leaves, and pepper corns, plus two spoons of honey and a slice of lemon per cup. It is important that I should write this though, as the future of the mankind may depend on it, so every time you find a spelling mistake, please sneeze with me and every time you think it’s a typing fault, just blow your nose.

*

We have now details and even the first picture of the female alien that was discovered on Earth less than 72 hours ago!

She seems to be a very young individual, genetically designed to mimic the human race, yet disturbingly perfect. At the first glance, she could pass as an earthling for the untrained eye. Her limbs are small and strong but svelte; her body is sporty, though she appears to be too young to walk; her head resembles a rugby ball placed behind the face of a Buddha with a tall forehead complemented by a punk hairdo.

The alien’s eyes are like two rapid scanners with dilated pupils and the irises of the deep ocean colour. Due to the huge amount of information the female alien can gather in every single second, her eyes are normally closed, as she analyses data or simply meditates.

Our inside sources have not confirmed her name yet, but it is believed the tiny alien can borrow names from other aliens among us. We will simply call her THE SHE ALIEN.

The only way of telling who is and who is not an alien is actually bringing the suspected person into her close proximity and study their reaction. A human would just marvel at the beauty and strangeness of the creature. A lower ranked alien will try to make contact by touching her nose in acknowledgement. A chief alien will hold her hand for lengthy periods of time to exchange information that is impossible to traduce (and would be meaningless anyway) to humans.

Only one picture of this extraordinary young example of extraterrestrial is available to us and, though we can only confirm the authenticity of the source and not of the material, we credit our inside alien connection for its disclosure. We can positively inform our readers that no other media has this information at the time of its release on mockoblog.com. More precisely, not even the Extraterrestrial Embassy in Kazakhstan has published or has formally accepted any information on the She Alien.

I have received this photo by fax, so I must apologize for its very low quality.

FAX000002b20090707

The location of her landing was not disclosed but there are speculations that it was carefully chosen in a remote, yet developed area of our planet, so her future mission could be both better monitored and heavily impacting on humans.

We are informed that She Alien is well and developing fast. She has been implanted in a normal human family. (Note that implanted is a less common alien practice, the exact opposite of the abduction, which is more widely spread.) According to unconfirmed sources, the host family suffers of swine flu but the alien life form is not affected by this disease to which humans have no natural immunity.

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DESPITE THEIR HIGH RISK PROFILE CAUSED BY LENGHTY MISSIONS THAT INVOLVE FREQUENT FLYING AND INTENSE CONTACT WITH HUMANS, NO CASES OF SWINE FLU HAVE EVER BEEN REPORTED AMONG THE ALIEN DELEGATION CURRENTLY VISITING OUR PLANET, SAYS A WORLD EXO-HEALTH ORGANIZATION SPOKESWOMAN WHO PREFFERS TO REMAIN UNNAMED. UNOFFICIAL SOURCES HAVE SUGGESTED THAT THE ALIEN CURRENT DELEGATION TO EARTH AND THE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC WERE AMONG THE SUBJECTS ON THE HIDDEN AGENDA TALKS BETWEEN PRESIDENT OBAMA AND PRIME MINISTER PUTIN. DURING OBAMA’S VISIT TO RUSSIA, THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL EMBASSY IN KAZACKSTAN ISSUED NO STATEMENTS FOR THE HUMAN MEDIA.

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Posted in Conspiracy | Comments Closed

Google Brings the Apocalypse Near – History in the Mocking VI – The Robots Are Here

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

I’m typing this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

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I am a human being. I was born. I am going to die. Google is not human. It was born, but it will never die. All Google knows about life is how to kill it. To call Google a “Virus” would be a compliment.

I have a story of soft poisoning and harsh stabbing in the back. Ironically for humans but quite normal for robots, this story is everlasting. Many of you, my readers, will come across this story here through Google itself because the robots have no life and can experience no death.

I just hope that what has happened to me is not a global trend. I know we all shall die but I’d rather see our species demise in a funnier way than the Terminator movies predicted.

*

This is the story of how Google killed me:

  1. I created a website (this one);
  2. I subscribed to Google Ads so they could place ads on my mockoblog and I could monitor the usage of my site;
  3. Somebody decided to go on my website just to click on the adverts, so I may get money from Google or just for the basic purpose of taking me out of business;
  4. I noticed an unusual level of clicks on the adverts compared to page visits, I knew who  might have caused it and I asked that party to stop immediately, I even tried to contact Google AdSense to prevent this from happening;
  5. Google measured the numbers and their statistics indicated that I was cheating (which was not at all the case) and I got disconnected from Google AdSense, which for me was the tool to measure the number of hits on my page and the potential interest in advertising there;
  6. Google sent me an email warning that I’m out and I only had one chance to appeal;
  7. I placed the appeal with explanations, as whatever may have looked bad from the Google point of view was just normal stuff at my end;
  8. The appeal was meant to be one-off, I couldn’t do another one ever after, but I knew I had always been corect an I was expecting justice;
  9. Exactly 48 hours after, I got this final reply:

<<Hello,

Thank you for providing us with additional information. However, after thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into consideration, we have re-confirmed that your account poses a significant risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we are unable to reinstate your account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions that we have taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more information by visiting [stinky link].

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

Google Ireland Ltd.

Gordon House

Barrow Street

Dublin 4

Ireland

Registered in Dublin, Ireland

Registration Number: 368047

This email may be confidential or privileged. If you received this communication by mistake, please don’t forward it to anyone else, please erase all copies and attachments, and please let me know that it went to the wrong person. Thanks. >>

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So now it’s over. I have nothing to reply to. I have always been innocent but I remain guilty at all times. I can’t fight against the machine. The robot doesn’t care. If you think robots are kindm helpful and play by the human rules, you are wrong.

I think some of you may not understand the full picture: we are nice people doing nice stuff, but bad guys hack on us and Google says: “you should all die, I don’t care, I am the first living ROBOT and humans have non-essential questions; by the way, humans are always wrong. If you can’t send them to jail, just kill the naughty humans on the spot”.

My Dear Google,

You got it wrong but it’s only me that suffers.

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GOOGLE IS A KILLING MACHINE, A CORPORATION THAT HAS BEEN INTRODUCING ROBOTS INTO OUR LIFE TO MEASURE AND CONTROL US. LAUGH NO MORE!

The only pleasure Google has, as a robot, is to see you die just because you are a human being. If the robots can go after the baby in our womb, they’ll kill it with even more enhanced pleasure / efficiency.

GOOGLE is a poison we all have to drink. It will eventually kill all of us to create a docile Internet populated by robots, but, if you are alive for the moment, please spit on Google by boycotting it. This organization is a hydra that know everything you do, knows where you are, has the picture of the front of your house, your private data, everything.

They’ve killed my expectations already just because I was a nice guy and told them the truth.

Google.com is a robot organization! Stay away from it! BOYCOTT GOOGLE!

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I typed this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

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Posted in Conspiracy, Electronics, General, MOCKOPEDIA | Comments Closed

How Not to Buy

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Yesterday I found on the Net a former colleague, maybe even friend. We haven’t been in touch for about fifteen years. I saw her last time in Europe, where we both used to live. Now she’s in North America and I’m in the South Pacific. So many years and so many miles apart, I thought of something that we ­must have in common, something that’s so universally valid, that I can share with my friend and she’ll immediately understand and perhaps agree. I dedicate this mockopost to Vianora.

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One of the silliest things I can think of is shopping. And I absolutely love it!

I fully accept that shopping is therapy for depression, obesity, measles, catalepsy and many other conditions I claim not to have.  People go shopping even when their account is in red, they get deeper in debt, yet they fell better. If a new pair of slippers could make you fell reborn, a new car will take you straight to Nirvana (I experienced it eight times).

The daily act of shopping is a bit like having sex, maybe with a softer ending, but safer, generally speaking. Sometimes it can involve a little redundancy (daily dairy shopping across the road) but this is like being in a strong matrimonial relationship: loads of fidelity and no surprises. Yet some other times shopping is a heavenly experience: go to Paris or Melbourne, Milan or Tokyo, get a cab and ask the driver to stop as soon as you see a shop with the letter ‘N’ third on its name or just walk on a busy commercial street and pick the seventh shop on the left. Go in and I bet you’ll find something to buy. Now, this is like having a one night stand and waking up with no hangover and the love of your life bringing you breakfast in bed. The only significant difference is that with shopping you can experience this far more often than in real life.

Shopping is power: I can buy; therefore I must have money, which means I’ve got the power.

Shopping is kindness: I can buy something for you; therefore I show you how much I care and how important you really are for me. (And shopping for YOU means even more power: I’m so powerful that I can even afford to  buy it for you, not for ME.)

In a way or another, for many years I sold stuff or I advertised for other people’s stuff so they could sell it better. I know the look in the eyes of a person who wants to buy as well as the expression on the face of somebody who can not afford buying. Shopping is a drug. It is more addictive than nicotine, it is compulsive and unforgiving. Its high is very short lived when compared to how much you spent for achieving it and, what’s worse, shopping is not only legal, but encouraged. In fact shopping is the vital force of our society and one of the few differences between our species and the others.

Having had a lot to do with shopping and selling, I thought I may write a book on how NOT to buy stuff. I’d put really cool little secrets in there, like how not to make eye contact with the salesman and how not to… Forget it! I’m hoping a smart publisher will read this blog and offer me a contract for the printed, podcasted, DVD recorded and the online versions of How Not to Buy. Sorry, this is why I won’t disclose any tricks in here. (Not just yet.) I hope you’ve enjoyed the introduction though.

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Posted in Electronics, General, Shopping, Travel | Comments Closed

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