Posts Tagged ‘aliens’

Little She Alien Details and Photo Revealed

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

I had to rise from my (swine?) flu sufferer’s bed to write this. My head works on auxiliary power, my knees are burning softly, my thought only accepts boiled red wine with cinnamon, bay leaves, and pepper corns, plus two spoons of honey and a slice of lemon per cup. It is important that I should write this though, as the future of the mankind may depend on it, so every time you find a spelling mistake, please sneeze with me and every time you think it’s a typing fault, just blow your nose.

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We have now details and even the first picture of the female alien that was discovered on Earth less than 72 hours ago!

She seems to be a very young individual, genetically designed to mimic the human race, yet disturbingly perfect. At the first glance, she could pass as an earthling for the untrained eye. Her limbs are small and strong but svelte; her body is sporty, though she appears to be too young to walk; her head resembles a rugby ball placed behind the face of a Buddha with a tall forehead complemented by a punk hairdo.

The alien’s eyes are like two rapid scanners with dilated pupils and the irises of the deep ocean colour. Due to the huge amount of information the female alien can gather in every single second, her eyes are normally closed, as she analyses data or simply meditates.

Our inside sources have not confirmed her name yet, but it is believed the tiny alien can borrow names from other aliens among us. We will simply call her THE SHE ALIEN.

The only way of telling who is and who is not an alien is actually bringing the suspected person into her close proximity and study their reaction. A human would just marvel at the beauty and strangeness of the creature. A lower ranked alien will try to make contact by touching her nose in acknowledgement. A chief alien will hold her hand for lengthy periods of time to exchange information that is impossible to traduce (and would be meaningless anyway) to humans.

Only one picture of this extraordinary young example of extraterrestrial is available to us and, though we can only confirm the authenticity of the source and not of the material, we credit our inside alien connection for its disclosure. We can positively inform our readers that no other media has this information at the time of its release on mockoblog.com. More precisely, not even the Extraterrestrial Embassy in Kazakhstan has published or has formally accepted any information on the She Alien.

I have received this photo by fax, so I must apologize for its very low quality.

FAX000002b20090707

The location of her landing was not disclosed but there are speculations that it was carefully chosen in a remote, yet developed area of our planet, so her future mission could be both better monitored and heavily impacting on humans.

We are informed that She Alien is well and developing fast. She has been implanted in a normal human family. (Note that implanted is a less common alien practice, the exact opposite of the abduction, which is more widely spread.) According to unconfirmed sources, the host family suffers of swine flu but the alien life form is not affected by this disease to which humans have no natural immunity.

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DESPITE THEIR HIGH RISK PROFILE CAUSED BY LENGHTY MISSIONS THAT INVOLVE FREQUENT FLYING AND INTENSE CONTACT WITH HUMANS, NO CASES OF SWINE FLU HAVE EVER BEEN REPORTED AMONG THE ALIEN DELEGATION CURRENTLY VISITING OUR PLANET, SAYS A WORLD EXO-HEALTH ORGANIZATION SPOKESWOMAN WHO PREFFERS TO REMAIN UNNAMED. UNOFFICIAL SOURCES HAVE SUGGESTED THAT THE ALIEN CURRENT DELEGATION TO EARTH AND THE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC WERE AMONG THE SUBJECTS ON THE HIDDEN AGENDA TALKS BETWEEN PRESIDENT OBAMA AND PRIME MINISTER PUTIN. DURING OBAMA’S VISIT TO RUSSIA, THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL EMBASSY IN KAZACKSTAN ISSUED NO STATEMENTS FOR THE HUMAN MEDIA.

Breaking News for the Normal Generation: Aliens Here!

Monday, July 6th, 2009

For the initiated: yes, she’s here. The wee alien lady is slowly adapting to this planet she calls MaBaAa and we call Earth. Future is here.

Please post no comments to this entry unless you are part of the right species.

Google Brings the Apocalypse Near – History in the Mocking VI – The Robots Are Here

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

I’m typing this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

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I am a human being. I was born. I am going to die. Google is not human. It was born, but it will never die. All Google knows about life is how to kill it. To call Google a “Virus” would be a compliment.

I have a story of soft poisoning and harsh stabbing in the back. Ironically for humans but quite normal for robots, this story is everlasting. Many of you, my readers, will come across this story here through Google itself because the robots have no life and can experience no death.

I just hope that what has happened to me is not a global trend. I know we all shall die but I’d rather see our species demise in a funnier way than the Terminator movies predicted.

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This is the story of how Google killed me:

  1. I created a website (this one);
  2. I subscribed to Google Ads so they could place ads on my mockoblog and I could monitor the usage of my site;
  3. Somebody decided to go on my website just to click on the adverts, so I may get money from Google or just for the basic purpose of taking me out of business;
  4. I noticed an unusual level of clicks on the adverts compared to page visits, I knew who  might have caused it and I asked that party to stop immediately, I even tried to contact Google AdSense to prevent this from happening;
  5. Google measured the numbers and their statistics indicated that I was cheating (which was not at all the case) and I got disconnected from Google AdSense, which for me was the tool to measure the number of hits on my page and the potential interest in advertising there;
  6. Google sent me an email warning that I’m out and I only had one chance to appeal;
  7. I placed the appeal with explanations, as whatever may have looked bad from the Google point of view was just normal stuff at my end;
  8. The appeal was meant to be one-off, I couldn’t do another one ever after, but I knew I had always been corect an I was expecting justice;
  9. Exactly 48 hours after, I got this final reply:

<<Hello,

Thank you for providing us with additional information. However, after thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into consideration, we have re-confirmed that your account poses a significant risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we are unable to reinstate your account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions that we have taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more information by visiting [stinky link].

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

Google Ireland Ltd.

Gordon House

Barrow Street

Dublin 4

Ireland

Registered in Dublin, Ireland

Registration Number: 368047

This email may be confidential or privileged. If you received this communication by mistake, please don’t forward it to anyone else, please erase all copies and attachments, and please let me know that it went to the wrong person. Thanks. >>

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So now it’s over. I have nothing to reply to. I have always been innocent but I remain guilty at all times. I can’t fight against the machine. The robot doesn’t care. If you think robots are kindm helpful and play by the human rules, you are wrong.

I think some of you may not understand the full picture: we are nice people doing nice stuff, but bad guys hack on us and Google says: “you should all die, I don’t care, I am the first living ROBOT and humans have non-essential questions; by the way, humans are always wrong. If you can’t send them to jail, just kill the naughty humans on the spot”.

My Dear Google,

You got it wrong but it’s only me that suffers.

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GOOGLE IS A KILLING MACHINE, A CORPORATION THAT HAS BEEN INTRODUCING ROBOTS INTO OUR LIFE TO MEASURE AND CONTROL US. LAUGH NO MORE!

The only pleasure Google has, as a robot, is to see you die just because you are a human being. If the robots can go after the baby in our womb, they’ll kill it with even more enhanced pleasure / efficiency.

GOOGLE is a poison we all have to drink. It will eventually kill all of us to create a docile Internet populated by robots, but, if you are alive for the moment, please spit on Google by boycotting it. This organization is a hydra that know everything you do, knows where you are, has the picture of the front of your house, your private data, everything.

They’ve killed my expectations already just because I was a nice guy and told them the truth.

Google.com is a robot organization! Stay away from it! BOYCOTT GOOGLE!

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I typed this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

People Live in Iran

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Mild Warning for the General Reader: This post has no ‘mocko’ in it. It’s just bloody serious. If you expect funny stuff, get out of here right now and come back later.

Serious Warning for the Homo Politicus: I follow politics because I live in this world as it is. Commenting on politics is not my cup of tea. If you are a politician or a politician’s henchman, get out of here after reading this post and please don’t come back. You won’t get the message anyway.

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When I write my usual stuff, it normally comes to me and I just write it and in the end I have to look for a title. When I decided to write on this subject, the title came to me first. It was ‘People Die in Iran’.  I changed it to ‘People Live in Iran’ because I find the ones that are alive infinitely more important than the other ones. And this includes the martyrs.

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Let’s just set the background a wee bit:

I was born, I grew up and I was educated in the European Communist Block. It was dictatorship all right: the kind of regime that would send your mum to jail for cracking a joke about how you couldn’t find milk at the supermarket. If you think that’s a joke in itself, piss off my blog right now!

The communists always referred to what they were doing as The Revolution. Guess what?! Another revolution came and threw them out. I was a student then. People were shot in the streets big time. Mates of mine were beaten, mates of mates of mine were run over by tanks and mates of their mates got bullets through their young intellectual heads.  It took years to tell good from bad and the murky waters have not cleared yet, nearly one generation after.

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Now let’s have a look at the stage overall as the actors have a dress rehearsal:

We have a tiny planet, the only one we’ve seen up close. There are loads of us, of different colours, beliefs and ambitions, but generally speaking a pretty murderous lot altogether. We shoot our neighbors in the name of our border, we poison our cousins in the name of the wealthy deceased relative and we cannot help hunting down our ideological foes. Of course, some of us get better at this game and acquire more powerful ammo and softer tactics, while others just like it to be basic instinct-based and they do whatever it takes to keep the fight on their ground, as they know it better.  Well, this is only a low resolution picture of our reality. In fact not only that the picture is very highly defined and conflicts can occur between some pixels that happen to live close enough to each other (see the former Yugoslavia in the 90s) but the picture itself lives not only in our synchronic present, but also in the diachronic realm of history.  It’s like:

“Good morning!  I came to – err, look at this knife, I sharpened it – I came to stab you today.”

“Why, you are my best friend? By the way, it looks really sharp indeed! Good work, my friend!”

“Shut up! I WAS your friend! Don’t ever call me that again! ”

“But – why?”

“Your ancestors spat on my ancestors’ shrine!”

“Yes. That was five hundred years ago.”

“I’ve only found out last night on the news!” (Stabbing action follows.)

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Centre stage:

Iran. These days it’s Iran.

I now live in a Western country and I have a lot of concern about what’s going to happen in the future. Not the diet thing, I know I’m getting fatter and every week I spend one minute less on the court and one minute more in the Lawn Tennis Club’s bar; I mean serious stuff, the kind of stuff that’s on Fox TV or Google, where smart people gather. I can read. Believe you me: I can do it a notch better than I can write and much faster than  I can spell. I am also watching TV (I’m big on watching TV; I’ll challenge you any day at a TV-watching competition!). I can listen to a bit of radio in my car and I’m even coming to grips with this computer-Internet funky stuff. I hear about this Iranian business and I remember I heard about Iran many years ago, when they were fighting the-then-good-guys from Iraq. But I had also heard of Iran even before that: The Iranian Hostage Crisis – remember? And even before that: there was a revolution – The Islamic Revolution.

You know, the world I live in today and the world I used to live in many years ago are so different. Yet MY world is pretty much the same. Even after the media bombardment I see it quite the same. Perhaps it is because I have both angles.  But think of those who only see one. Are you in Iran? – If yes, you’ve seen the same kind of stuff for the last thirty years or so. Are you in the States? – If yes, you might have seen what you were expecting to see every day of your life. Now try to put yourselves in the other guy’s place!

I simply can’t. If I were in Iran these days, would I be on the Ahmadinejad side? Would I rather be with the opposition? The American way is to be on the firing side of the gun, not on the receiving end of the bullet. However, the Obama administration is quite soft on Iran. He has loads of military stuff to move out of Iraq. It’s like when you play chess: touch a figure, lift it up from the board and you must put it down somewhere: retire or attack are not choices; to put that damn thing down is your only choice once you’ve lifted it!

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A  back stage dialogue:

When I was a student in my other country, the communist one, I met an Iranian guy at a party. This is the only Iranian I ever saw save the TV ones I see shot in the streets of Tehran and their more publicized leaders. He was studying law and he told me he already had a diploma in medicine from some US school and a masters degree in whatever else from Oxford. Judging by age, he could have been my father. Judging by his spending habits, he could have been my life-time sponsor (so I wouldn’t have to write this for elusive money that never comes from advertising). We were having beers. He was paying. I liked the guy. With all due respect, I’m not gay, but I just liked the guy, the way he was buying me drinks and not chatting up my girlfriend. I asked him how come he’s studying when he could be teaching or practicing medicine.  This is the answer he gave me twenty yeas ago:

“My family was very rich and powerful. My family was one of the top families in what you call Iran and what is in fact Persia, by its true name. This is the country where we believe civilization was born. Persia was and still is the richer country in the world. During centuries the Persians were influenced by the Arabs. Our religion, Zoroastrianism, became threatened by Islam but it still remained the same. When the Islamic Revolution imposed Islam over the whole country, my family was slaughtered or imprisoned for being rich and for being of the old religion. I was a student overseas then and I still am. I have access to their accounts that were not seized by the Islamic regime. I shall be a student until I can go back to my country as a free man. There may be a price on my head as we speak and you may be the very one who gives me in.”

Indeed I was. Two decades later I let people hear about this conversation. I was a coward then. Sobering up and going to the authorities would have deported him and surely thrown me out of University, if not having me run over by a black official car with the number plate covered in mud.

I don’t even remember the name of this Persian guy. But I remember I told him to get another couple of beers and I asked him why was he in my country then, as mine was a bloody autocratic regime anyway. The only Iranian guy I ever met laughed:

“You too live under dictatorship, but yours is an ideological one. Nobody believes in communism. In my country, call it Iran or Persia, they have the worse form of dictatorship: the religious one. Many believe in it. When you die in communism, nobody is happy; one has to kill you. It’s in the job description.  When you die in a religious regime the one who kills you is happy because he knows it’s done in the name of God.”