Posts Tagged ‘war’

Google Brings the Apocalypse Near – History in the Mocking VI – The Robots Are Here

Friday, July 3rd, 2009

I’m typing this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

*

I am a human being. I was born. I am going to die. Google is not human. It was born, but it will never die. All Google knows about life is how to kill it. To call Google a “Virus” would be a compliment.

I have a story of soft poisoning and harsh stabbing in the back. Ironically for humans but quite normal for robots, this story is everlasting. Many of you, my readers, will come across this story here through Google itself because the robots have no life and can experience no death.

I just hope that what has happened to me is not a global trend. I know we all shall die but I’d rather see our species demise in a funnier way than the Terminator movies predicted.

*

This is the story of how Google killed me:

  1. I created a website (this one);
  2. I subscribed to Google Ads so they could place ads on my mockoblog and I could monitor the usage of my site;
  3. Somebody decided to go on my website just to click on the adverts, so I may get money from Google or just for the basic purpose of taking me out of business;
  4. I noticed an unusual level of clicks on the adverts compared to page visits, I knew who  might have caused it and I asked that party to stop immediately, I even tried to contact Google AdSense to prevent this from happening;
  5. Google measured the numbers and their statistics indicated that I was cheating (which was not at all the case) and I got disconnected from Google AdSense, which for me was the tool to measure the number of hits on my page and the potential interest in advertising there;
  6. Google sent me an email warning that I’m out and I only had one chance to appeal;
  7. I placed the appeal with explanations, as whatever may have looked bad from the Google point of view was just normal stuff at my end;
  8. The appeal was meant to be one-off, I couldn’t do another one ever after, but I knew I had always been corect an I was expecting justice;
  9. Exactly 48 hours after, I got this final reply:

<<Hello,

Thank you for providing us with additional information. However, after thoroughly reviewing your account data and taking your feedback into consideration, we have re-confirmed that your account poses a significant risk to our advertisers. For this reason, we are unable to reinstate your account. Thank you for your understanding.

As a reminder, if you have any questions about your account or the actions that we have taken, please do not reply to this email. You can find more information by visiting [stinky link].

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

Google Ireland Ltd.

Gordon House

Barrow Street

Dublin 4

Ireland

Registered in Dublin, Ireland

Registration Number: 368047

This email may be confidential or privileged. If you received this communication by mistake, please don’t forward it to anyone else, please erase all copies and attachments, and please let me know that it went to the wrong person. Thanks. >>

*

So now it’s over. I have nothing to reply to. I have always been innocent but I remain guilty at all times. I can’t fight against the machine. The robot doesn’t care. If you think robots are kindm helpful and play by the human rules, you are wrong.

I think some of you may not understand the full picture: we are nice people doing nice stuff, but bad guys hack on us and Google says: “you should all die, I don’t care, I am the first living ROBOT and humans have non-essential questions; by the way, humans are always wrong. If you can’t send them to jail, just kill the naughty humans on the spot”.

My Dear Google,

You got it wrong but it’s only me that suffers.

*

GOOGLE IS A KILLING MACHINE, A CORPORATION THAT HAS BEEN INTRODUCING ROBOTS INTO OUR LIFE TO MEASURE AND CONTROL US. LAUGH NO MORE!

The only pleasure Google has, as a robot, is to see you die just because you are a human being. If the robots can go after the baby in our womb, they’ll kill it with even more enhanced pleasure / efficiency.

GOOGLE is a poison we all have to drink. It will eventually kill all of us to create a docile Internet populated by robots, but, if you are alive for the moment, please spit on Google by boycotting it. This organization is a hydra that know everything you do, knows where you are, has the picture of the front of your house, your private data, everything.

They’ve killed my expectations already just because I was a nice guy and told them the truth.

Google.com is a robot organization! Stay away from it! BOYCOTT GOOGLE!

*

I typed this post with only one finger. Guess which one!?

People Live in Iran

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Mild Warning for the General Reader: This post has no ‘mocko’ in it. It’s just bloody serious. If you expect funny stuff, get out of here right now and come back later.

Serious Warning for the Homo Politicus: I follow politics because I live in this world as it is. Commenting on politics is not my cup of tea. If you are a politician or a politician’s henchman, get out of here after reading this post and please don’t come back. You won’t get the message anyway.

*

When I write my usual stuff, it normally comes to me and I just write it and in the end I have to look for a title. When I decided to write on this subject, the title came to me first. It was ‘People Die in Iran’.  I changed it to ‘People Live in Iran’ because I find the ones that are alive infinitely more important than the other ones. And this includes the martyrs.

*

Let’s just set the background a wee bit:

I was born, I grew up and I was educated in the European Communist Block. It was dictatorship all right: the kind of regime that would send your mum to jail for cracking a joke about how you couldn’t find milk at the supermarket. If you think that’s a joke in itself, piss off my blog right now!

The communists always referred to what they were doing as The Revolution. Guess what?! Another revolution came and threw them out. I was a student then. People were shot in the streets big time. Mates of mine were beaten, mates of mates of mine were run over by tanks and mates of their mates got bullets through their young intellectual heads.  It took years to tell good from bad and the murky waters have not cleared yet, nearly one generation after.

*

Now let’s have a look at the stage overall as the actors have a dress rehearsal:

We have a tiny planet, the only one we’ve seen up close. There are loads of us, of different colours, beliefs and ambitions, but generally speaking a pretty murderous lot altogether. We shoot our neighbors in the name of our border, we poison our cousins in the name of the wealthy deceased relative and we cannot help hunting down our ideological foes. Of course, some of us get better at this game and acquire more powerful ammo and softer tactics, while others just like it to be basic instinct-based and they do whatever it takes to keep the fight on their ground, as they know it better.  Well, this is only a low resolution picture of our reality. In fact not only that the picture is very highly defined and conflicts can occur between some pixels that happen to live close enough to each other (see the former Yugoslavia in the 90s) but the picture itself lives not only in our synchronic present, but also in the diachronic realm of history.  It’s like:

“Good morning!  I came to – err, look at this knife, I sharpened it – I came to stab you today.”

“Why, you are my best friend? By the way, it looks really sharp indeed! Good work, my friend!”

“Shut up! I WAS your friend! Don’t ever call me that again! ”

“But – why?”

“Your ancestors spat on my ancestors’ shrine!”

“Yes. That was five hundred years ago.”

“I’ve only found out last night on the news!” (Stabbing action follows.)

*

Centre stage:

Iran. These days it’s Iran.

I now live in a Western country and I have a lot of concern about what’s going to happen in the future. Not the diet thing, I know I’m getting fatter and every week I spend one minute less on the court and one minute more in the Lawn Tennis Club’s bar; I mean serious stuff, the kind of stuff that’s on Fox TV or Google, where smart people gather. I can read. Believe you me: I can do it a notch better than I can write and much faster than  I can spell. I am also watching TV (I’m big on watching TV; I’ll challenge you any day at a TV-watching competition!). I can listen to a bit of radio in my car and I’m even coming to grips with this computer-Internet funky stuff. I hear about this Iranian business and I remember I heard about Iran many years ago, when they were fighting the-then-good-guys from Iraq. But I had also heard of Iran even before that: The Iranian Hostage Crisis – remember? And even before that: there was a revolution – The Islamic Revolution.

You know, the world I live in today and the world I used to live in many years ago are so different. Yet MY world is pretty much the same. Even after the media bombardment I see it quite the same. Perhaps it is because I have both angles.  But think of those who only see one. Are you in Iran? – If yes, you’ve seen the same kind of stuff for the last thirty years or so. Are you in the States? – If yes, you might have seen what you were expecting to see every day of your life. Now try to put yourselves in the other guy’s place!

I simply can’t. If I were in Iran these days, would I be on the Ahmadinejad side? Would I rather be with the opposition? The American way is to be on the firing side of the gun, not on the receiving end of the bullet. However, the Obama administration is quite soft on Iran. He has loads of military stuff to move out of Iraq. It’s like when you play chess: touch a figure, lift it up from the board and you must put it down somewhere: retire or attack are not choices; to put that damn thing down is your only choice once you’ve lifted it!

*

A  back stage dialogue:

When I was a student in my other country, the communist one, I met an Iranian guy at a party. This is the only Iranian I ever saw save the TV ones I see shot in the streets of Tehran and their more publicized leaders. He was studying law and he told me he already had a diploma in medicine from some US school and a masters degree in whatever else from Oxford. Judging by age, he could have been my father. Judging by his spending habits, he could have been my life-time sponsor (so I wouldn’t have to write this for elusive money that never comes from advertising). We were having beers. He was paying. I liked the guy. With all due respect, I’m not gay, but I just liked the guy, the way he was buying me drinks and not chatting up my girlfriend. I asked him how come he’s studying when he could be teaching or practicing medicine.  This is the answer he gave me twenty yeas ago:

“My family was very rich and powerful. My family was one of the top families in what you call Iran and what is in fact Persia, by its true name. This is the country where we believe civilization was born. Persia was and still is the richer country in the world. During centuries the Persians were influenced by the Arabs. Our religion, Zoroastrianism, became threatened by Islam but it still remained the same. When the Islamic Revolution imposed Islam over the whole country, my family was slaughtered or imprisoned for being rich and for being of the old religion. I was a student overseas then and I still am. I have access to their accounts that were not seized by the Islamic regime. I shall be a student until I can go back to my country as a free man. There may be a price on my head as we speak and you may be the very one who gives me in.”

Indeed I was. Two decades later I let people hear about this conversation. I was a coward then. Sobering up and going to the authorities would have deported him and surely thrown me out of University, if not having me run over by a black official car with the number plate covered in mud.

I don’t even remember the name of this Persian guy. But I remember I told him to get another couple of beers and I asked him why was he in my country then, as mine was a bloody autocratic regime anyway. The only Iranian guy I ever met laughed:

“You too live under dictatorship, but yours is an ideological one. Nobody believes in communism. In my country, call it Iran or Persia, they have the worse form of dictatorship: the religious one. Many believe in it. When you die in communism, nobody is happy; one has to kill you. It’s in the job description.  When you die in a religious regime the one who kills you is happy because he knows it’s done in the name of God.”

The Shortest Oxymoron

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

MY EX

For you guys and girls, distinguished gentlemen and ladies or just losers scattered across the planet, for all of you who don’t use English mainly, this may not work quite as well. But you may not be reading my blog anyway. Fair enough?

*

My Ex

Just four letterers make “My Ex”.

It only takes two words to describe the most antagonistic semantic combination: “My Ex”.

When we call something “mine”, that means we really have it, it’s even personal and we normally have some degree of control over it (him/her).

When we call something “ex”, that’s history! That thing or that person is not anymore bound to a relation that involves belonging to another thing or person.

If I say “my leg hurts a bit because I’ve just been partially run over by a train” you can almost feel it’s MY leg, as if it were yours. If you say “my elected member of the Parliament is corrupt” I may suspect you are from the other side, but I would still accept that the unnamed politician represents you, therefore you can call him “mine” (I mean “yours”, not mine). However, the relationship between you and your dodgy MP may not be as strong as mine normally is with my leg.

“My” is a very short word, which means it may be old. Many Indo-European languages have “my” and “mine” starting with an “m”, which confirms it’s really old, like a “root” type of word. “M” is also found in most languages as the starting sound for the word that signifies “mother” because the babies tend to start mumbling along the lines of “ma-ma-ma-ma” when their brain becomes a bit human after they had passed the rather nonsensical stage of “ga-ga-ga-ga” (when their brain is similar in capacity to a fully developed goose’s). It’s hard to find a world that has a root older than one relating directly to your mum and to the ancient idea of mother (except for my grandma who lived to 99 and only died because somebody told her she might have the flu).

But “ex” is a relatively new word. It has nothing to do with young children’s lingo. No baby I’ve ever met was going about his/hers growing business singing along: “la-la-la-ma-ma-ma-ga-ga-ga-ex-ex-ex”. I must say my experience with bringing up babies is fairly limited (to just a few) and my true impact in their upbringing could be subject to further questions I would prefer to ask though my lawyer. Anyway, “ex” seems to be a Roman invention. The Romans did not invent much, but they were the masters of letting everybody know what other folk had invented. It was going like that:

Stage 1:

General, look! There’s a country over there.

Can’t you see I’m bloody busy polishing my hooves? Toe nails, I mean –

But, Sir, with all due respect, there’s country or something that looks like a country over there and it’s not on our map!

Soldier, shall I count to ten starting nine soldiers before you or should I just decimate you?

But – General –

(Splash)

Stage 2:

Lucius Pula, my beloved friend and companion, that fool deserved it. We’ll raise him a statue, won’t we? I mean, we’ll put his name on the list for fundraising when it comes to statues, won’t we? Just check on that new country and see what kind of inventions they have over there before we stage a siege or just crush them, like we did to the other ones. Send the news to Rome first, ’cause it’s taking longer to get the word to the Senate that it takes me to conquer this village and call it a province. Would you?

Stage 3: Coronation

Stage 4:

(Same legion, a bit older, new general)

Soldier!

Sir!

What was that country the Emperor conquered?

Which one, Sir: the really big one, the smaller but longer one with curvy conquests along the streets, or the one with the highest number of inventions?

The – errr – the whatever one!

That was Inventia Caesarea, My General! (note: this soldier uses “MY” for his general but only as long as his head sits on his shoulders)

Attack! Civilize these barbarians with the inventions we got from the other ones and send the slimmest courier on the fastest horse to Rome. (apart, to the henchman:) Get the gallows ready. What a nice invention! This soldier knows far too much.

*

For the Romans EX was greatly important. Imagine: “EX PATRIA MVNDO”.

Later, on barbarian turf ex-colonised by the Romans, EX started to be not necessarily a positive thing, but great, nevertheless. Imagine “EXCALIBVR”.

In modern times, EX is still powerful and respectable, although it may have lost some of its original meaning. Don’t imagine. Just search Google. Expedia comes up first. Guess how much they pay for that! And they have nothing to do with the real meaning of EX, which is OUT OF.

Have you ever wondered why every single time you are kissing your lover and the cinema theatre catches on fire and all panic and die but you are the only survivor? (Not to mention you might have to change partner every time a new movie comes to town.) The answer is near: you are the only one who can read Latin (that’s the language the Romans used, though to add to the confusion all the other newer baby-languages that derived from Latin are called Romance and not Latin languages and some have nothing to do with romance at all). If you read Latin and if you are not heavily colour blind, you can see in the dark a little green lamp labelled EXIT. This means: ex (out) [from] it (the cinema). This is how the Romans saved many lives, including yours (several times, mainly when you were out with that fat one you hooked up with at McDonalds when you initially were with the one who did not like pink and dumped you after that pool game) and if they carry on like that they may oversave the amounts of people they overkilled in their rush not to conquer the World (a World as large as the Mediterranean Mare Nostrum) just to spread the inventions across.

You know, EX, though much neglected and perhaps less used than MY, is still a mighty word.

Hudson, we have a problem!

When these two strong words collide, we get cataclysmic results: My Ex. If I were to dictate over the whole of the English language, including the realm of computer storage devices and Internet shared files, the only real power I would like to master is the one that gives people (and robots, in the near future) the chance to not use this most powerful oxymoron. The positive MY and the negative EX are like matter and antimatter, just way more powerful than you can see in the newly released “Angels and Deamons” movie (based on Dan Brown’s book of the same title but of a lessr casting than the novel, which had none). Yet, while matter and bloody minus matter notions are merely theoretical, apart of a circullar underground shaft in the European Alps, mine are real. And, with no further ado, after such a long introduction, which is also called sometimes captatio benevolentiae, I’ll go straight to the subject:

I was invited and I went to an art exhibition. Surely, you are not too excited about it. It’s just an art exhibition. Boring stuff for most of you. But what if I tell you who the artist is? Would you go for guys like Van Gogh? Surely! Or maybe? What about an artist simply called My Ex?

I did go to the opening. And she wasn’t even there! I mean: HER exibition! This is why we call them”My Ex”. They are so unreliable! I was only one hour late!

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And I didn’t like all her work this time but I did find two of her paintings worth taking a photos of.

tesacocacorsairday06091

tesacocarollercoaster0609

If you are in Christchurch, New Zealand, you can see Cristina Silaghi’s work at the Coca Gallery until June 26th. That’s at number 66 Gloucester St.

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The Devil in the Mobile Phone II (It's Getting Worse)

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

Hello again!

Can we put this in very fine print? Like: terms and conditions? So glad to see you again, especially knowing that YOU in fact don’t exist, ‘cause nobody’s actually reading this blog.

This should be Mockoblog Mockolog # whatever, but I won’t call a number because it’s mainly on one topic.

I disappeared for a few days trying to make sense of my new phone. This is like starting to look after a new born baby. With a wee difference: the mum’s at the pub, you’re not the father, the lights are off and the baby smiles like Sigourney Weaver’s lost alien first born.

It took me one day to get all the accessories I (thought I) needed, one day to download software and most of the next day to find and remove the software I didn’t need or it was not working or it was working when I didn’t want it to or it was simply just costing me money while it was sitting there and doing nothing.

Then I attempted to open the instructions, but I only got as far as page 49 out of 221. You see, it gets very personal around page 50 and I don’t feel yet prepared for it. General stuff, yes, no problems! Well, I mean why not give it a go?!

The first pages are just easy stuff: warnings not to drop the handset in boiling water and reassurance that if you do so and then attempt to pull it out with your bare hands, the manufacturer won’t pay your hospital’s bill + loud sound settings may damage my hearing aid (I had to go and get one to comply with this eventuality, as I’d never thought I really needed one before) + some parts of the phone may actually be internal and/or external antennae, thus I should not be surprised if I get too good reception or/and some devices around may start tweeting while the phone is in use (I had to subscribe to the Twitter website to comply with this one).

Another feature that I found considerably improved from my previous cellphone was the video calling. My ex-phone, four years old and not a smartphone, had videocalling as well. The problem was nobody else among my three relatives and considerably fewer friends did or wanted to use it with me. Now all this has changed and it took a dramatically positive turn when I bought my new phone: I gave the other one away and I can video call it as much as I want. At the other end, one of my close relatives (aren’t they all so close?) has two choices: to answer or not to answer. Let’s say it’s an answer! Then there are two more possibilities: the remote phone is set to receive video calls or it is not set to. In the latter case the call doesn’t proceed as a normal voice call, no, I just get hung up. But let’s say the right setting is on and I can video call! Then we need to find something important to show, not only to say. The video conversation goes like this:

“Hi, is that you?” (of course, I can see him)

“Can you see me?” (see above)

“Errr… so you are OK, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” (obviously)

“Errr, OK, show me something.” (embarrassed smile)

“OK, let me switch to the other camera to show you around.” (this is when I do something wrong and I loose contact, $2.50 later)

*

In fact this conversation should have been:

“Alpha Tango Charlie, do you copy? Over!”

(static)

“Alpha Tango Charlie, this is Alpha Lima Zulu! Do you read me? Over!”

“Alpha Lima Zulu, this is Alpha Tango Charlie! I can copy you! Loud and clear! Your little friend in Phuket sends smiles all over my phone. (brief switch to a secure channel) She misses you. Over!”

“Can you switch to visuals? Over!”

“Affirmative! Switching to visuals! Over!”

“Roger!”

“I’ve got visuals now! Alpha Lima Zulu, what’s that thing behind you??? Over!”

“It’s the – errr – roger me Alpha Tango Charlie?”

“Positive! What’s it doing? Switch to the main cam! Alpha Lima Zulu! Main cam! Roger?”

“Main cam online! Start rolling! Over!”

“Roger that! Rolling on HD visuals and sensors. What’s that thing? Over!”

“I’ve got company. Must cruise in two! What do Intelligence say? Over?”

(encryption gap)

“Alpha Lima Zulu! Intelligence reckon it’s just a launch pad. A dummy one. Over.”

“You gettin’ the frickin’ time delay link? Is it looped? Can you copy visuals? Rocket launch! Rolling? M.F.G. Burn! Burn!”

“Alpha Lima Zulu! Intelligence reckon this pad’s been used before. Got CONF from SATS. It’s Kim Jong Il’s son nomination. Fireworks and stuff, I guess. Roger that? Young chap Jong Un. Roger that? –  Lost visuals. Alpha Lima Zulu! Do you read me? Alpha Tango Charlie calling Alpha Lima Zulu! Do you read me?”

(white noise)

“What the – – – Intelligence, we just lost Numero Uno in the bloody filed! Over! F for F….ing Over!”

” Roger that. Not to worry, New Numero Uno!The French just lost a plane full of people. Intelligence over and out!”

*

This is what I call a video conversation. Even without video. And on Government’s money.

Yet video calling is not the best feature of my phone. Do you think GPS and GPS/satellite navigation is? I’ll tell you next time. Now I have to change some user profiles  to better personalize myself.